Spinning on that dizzy edge

Ahhhhh, I am home from the colonoscopy. We were there at nine AM, but the whole shebang didn't start until 10:30 or so, because my veins were as uncooperative as usual. I mean, they're villains to begin with, seeing as they are tiny and will sink, roll, and collapse under any kind of probing, but being dehydrated on top of that didn't help.

I was wheeled to recovery by noon, got a quick "everything looks good! No questions? Bye!" from the doctor, and we got out of there a half hour later. Once home, I shoveled in some food that had been egregiously taunting me from the fridge for the past few days, and passed out on the couch for a couple of hours.

I am so glad that's done and that they didn't find any issues. I'll have to do it again in five years, so maybe by then they'll have come up with a medical breakthrough that will make prep much easier.

Food, never leave me again. Especially not in such an explosive way.

I spend so long pondering things to post and the titles that go with them that many options come and go.

Forgive my crappy French, but a riff on "Après nous, le déluge" seemed appropriate, seeing as ( The revenge of the monstrual cycle )

In a word, I am tired. Could be the anemia, the exasperation in not knowing why my uterus hates me, the failure of contractors to call me back already (the backyard jungle is taunting me at this point), the dread and resentment of the anniversary party (more on that in a bit), or just that the sheer mental load of it all (that link, OMG - the "there's a phrase for that? I'm not the only one?" solidarity almost outweighs the depressing realization of how prevalent it is in my life) is weighing me down. ( Weight discussion and resolutions )

I wish that my conflicted (dread! excitement! happiness at seeing people! resentment!) feelings about the party and Vividcon weren't bleeding into each other, so I'm trying to redirect the anxiety into steps to be accomplished instead. Then my mother calls with more details and I sink back into hair-pulling irritation. She has an uncanny ability to blithely assign me things that I don't want to do (decide on a menu with my brother, plan out where everything should go in the house, be prepared to make a speech to the crowd, brainstorm decorations) and offer to outsource the tasks that I would actually choose (make a photo-collage vid, fill in from the public library the music she wants but doesn't own). I did the math the other day; I've made or remastered six vids since January, so my brain is a little bit crunchy on that front. But my husband knows me well and has already told me not to stress out about making their anniversary vid a cinematic masterpiece. Bless him and his ongoing support in all this mess.

I made a last-minute overnight trip to see some friends Friday night; it was an emotional visit, talking about where our lives have gone since the halcyon days of our young adulthood. (Of the half-dozen weddings we went to in the year after the Emperor was born, four of them have or are in the process of splitting up. Adulthood can really suck.) It was a good time, but tiring; I got back Saturday afternoon to do some grocery shopping and home to cook dinner. I collapsed early last night and slept a whole bunch, then made some waffled cinnamon rolls from a can (different but good) and baked & broiled breakfast sausages (SO YUMMY) for brunch this morning. Since then, I have spent almost the whole day on the couch, catching up on the internet in between runs to the bathroom and cursory poking at household needs. I definitely needed a day of rest.

I am happy about the recent Doctor Who casting news (though this reminds me that I need to go back and catch the latest season). The "Wrinkle in Time" trailer makes my young sci-fi nerd heart sing (and Chris Pine as the greying dad means my current fangirl heart is very happy). The Emperor continues to be a challenge and a joy to raise; even the difficult discussions have some sweetness to them, as I thank him for sharing his concerns with me rather than bottling them up and letting them fester inside. Most days I feel like a lazy cop-out on the mom front, but as long as I can help him develop into an emotionally healthy and independent adult, I'll try to acknowledge that success.

In an exemplar display of central Midwestern weather, for the first time since last winter, we have finally had snow on the ground for more than a day. In March. With many of the spring bulbs having sent up their green spikes and some having bloomed already, the more fools them. *sigh* I mean, I love snow, but in its proper time and place. Which is not now.

So I did that thing again where I fell down in posting and failed to get back up. Since my last missive about the ongoing crud invasion assaulting my body, I relapsed on the "sleeping through the night" thing and had to call my primary doc for another prescription. I wound up with a new inhaler that has the bonus side affect of potentially contracting thrush; I am rinsing after every dose to avoid that, blech. But I have officially been sleeping through the night for a couple of weeks now, and oh my goodness! I have energy! I have brain space! I have a personality that isn't "slug on a couch"! Now my tiredness is due to making bad decisions about my bed time. Oh, self.

I also had a CT scan to follow up on an interesting X-ray, and according to the online update to my medical record, the following is the state of my lungs: "main pulmonary artery is mildly enlarged measuring about 3.8 cm", I have "a punctate calcified granuloma in the right upper lobe", and there is "mild linear scarring or subsegmental atelectasis in the right lower lobe". Dr. Google says that's nothing to be alarmed about, so I'm hoping that my visit to the pulmonologist this week concurs. I sure wish my primary had cared enough to call me about the results.

In other news, I'm on week three of my latest period. I suspect and do not recommend perio-menopause; these month-long periods are not particularly fun.

Today I visited the walk-in clinic for the third time; my ongoing wheezing and shortness of breath evidently caught their attention this time and they sent me in for chest x-rays. They said it doesn't look like pneumonia, but the fact that I'm not getting better is not good, so I have a new fistful of meds and an appointment with a pulmonologist next week. Yay!

But on the good side, with all the time I've had to take off work, I was able to finish and submit both my extra Festivids. I'm breathing easier, at least metaphorically. Sitting around tomorrow and binging on everyone's vids sounds like a perfect way to spend the day.

I got my Festivids entry completed and submitted well before the last minute, which is a record for me. I would say it came together really quickly and easily, except for the part where I spent literally months trying to get my hands on the source. If I don't already own the source, I try to get it through my library, which is normally excellent in its range of materials. This time, however, was a screwball comedy that I will share when my reveal post goes up.

While waiting for the source to come through, I spent some time thinking about treats, but I would not let myself actually get started until I finished my assignment. Then I got sick, and punted on everything after submitting my main vid, so the extras wound up waiting until last week. After a frantic few days, I have a first draft of one set aside to percolate while I work on a second. Bless my husband for encouraging me in my creative passions, as he waves off my guilty feelings about not doing more around the house while I'm brain-deep in vidding.

( Ongoing ick, family schisms )

I am maintaining a list of phrases to use in place of putting the word "President" next to that asshole's name in any context. Thus, Presidon't, Presiwon't, Dishonest Don, Hair Furor, The Yam in Chief, Ugly Bigly, and so on. Have you heard any good ones?

Once I finished the two frenzied projects at work, some brain space and energy was recovered for other things.

I put the fence back up around the garden and planted a ton of tomatoes, peppers, broccoli, cucumbers, zucchini, squash, beans, Brussel sprouts, and cabbage. They were all still there the past couple of mornings, so the fence appears to be doing its job. I've got a few more things to plant, veggies and purely ornamental flowers, but first my hands need to dial back on the soreness from wielding the bulb planter (my favorite tool for getting those veggie 4- and 6-packs in the ground) for hours on end.

I'm chipping away at the horrendous backlog in my email accounts. Yikes, there's some old stuff in there!

Now that the new washing machine is installed, we are doing laundry like it's going out of style. (The former one was out of commission so long it feels like some of the loads left in limbo actually did go out of style.) The replacement microwave is scheduled for delivery on Friday, so we will hopefully be all caught up with broken appliances. (House, can we please go awhile before something else finds it necessary to break? Kthnxbye.)

We attended a nephew's graduation party this past weekend, navigating some awkward family drama and scoring some pleasant time with the in-laws.

My husband is turning 40 this Friday, and I at last managed to pry loose some opinions from him about what he wants.

I finally took a deep breath and scheduled an appointment with the Repro Med clinic tomorrow, saying that I wanted nothing to do with the doctor until absolutely necessary. I'm also prepared to shut down any concern trolling about my weight or my age. Wish me luck!

Hi, guys. I know I've been posting a lot about my infertility issues, probably to your TL;DR dismay, so I'll try to keep this short.

Even with the daily injections of hormones, my ovaries aren't responding as profusely as desired, so I don't have a lot of eggs to harvest, which reduces my chances for a successful IVF, which means I might have to go through this whole unfun and expensive scary-go-round again.

Those of you who aren't currently using your fertility, or are gestating, or can simply spare me some positive mojo? I would immensely appreciate any and all thoughts/prayers/well-wishes/reproductive energy you could send my way these next couple of weeks.

My love and thanks to you all. You've been a huge help to me on this path.

I am not having fun.

My on-again, off-again, but currently current crack of choice, the stick figure RPG Kingdom of Loathing, has been experiencing server issues the past few days, so I have not been able to escape into slack.

Meanwhile, the baby-making has been a big disappointment and a literal pain. ( Baby/no baby limbo -> No baby. )

My joke about having Schrödinger's uterus is very bitter right now.

My period started yesterday. Judging by the cramps I've been having for two days, my body is eager to get rid of the whole reproductive system. I can't blame it.

This morning was yet another blood test. ( WE HATES THE BLOOD TESTS. )

The blood sample today will go towards checking my hCG levels and a chromosomal analysis. The husband has to go in sometime in the next couple of weeks to get a chromosome test, too. (He does have needle phobia, so that will be even less fun.)

I haven't talked to the doctor yet about what comes next; I think she wants to see the chromosome results, which will take a couple of weeks. I don't even know how much those will cost us. Supposedly the insurance is covering them, but considering they approved the most expensive ovulation drug and I still wound up paying over $100 for one course of it, I'm nervous, and that's with me steadfastly refusing to think about what happens if they find something's wrong.

In any case, I think I'm going to take a couple of months off from the fertility fight and try to relax, lose weight, and exercise. My 20 year high school reunion is coming up in July, and August is very con-heavy.

I could do with some luck and hugs right now.

This TMI goes to eleven...

( Blood tests, ultrasounds, and menses, whee! )

Gosh, infertility is so much fun!

I think my body is getting sneaky on me. I've been bumping along with a 28-29 day cycle for years now, with a day or two deviation. Now, according to the lovely chart at MonthlyInfo (I can't recommend that site enough for simple tracking), I seem to be settling at a 31-32 day cycle. Guess I'll have to start up charting again to pin down the magic week.

The vid is coming along quite nicely - I've got about 10 seconds to nail down at the end for the first draft will be ready for a discerning eye or two. kazbaby, you still willing to take a look?

COOOOOOOOOOOON! I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through tomorrow, with everything I want to get done before I leave Saturday morning. Maps, tickets, questions, schedules...Packing! I still have to pack! I hate packing so much, you wouldn't believe it - I have nightmares about vacations where I arrive and I've forgotten all the vital stuff. At least it's a short weekend. *deep breath* All else pales, though, against the prospect of Hanging with Hewlett.

I was looking at TV Guide's Fall TV scorecard (which only mentions the main five channels and not any cable ones - click here for the schedule), and my curse wasn't terrible this year. The Big Bang Theory, Castle, Chuck, Glee, NCIS, Parenthood, and V all are returning. That includes three shows that I've been watching for two years or more! \o/ Gossip Girl and HIMYM are still hanging on, waiting for my interest level to catch up again. I am sad, though, at what I lost: Dollhouse, Eastwick, FlashForward, and Heroes. OK, no, I'm not actually sad about Heroes; I totally choose Chuck over Heroes any day. But I wish I could have gotten FlashForward instead of V, and more of the lovely ladies of Eastwick, and definitely more of the finally-hitting-its-stride Dollhouse. Ah well. I haven't read any reviews of the new shows other than Hellcats, and they lost me when Ben Browder left. *sniff*

Now it's time for the summer TV series. When is Eureka coming back, anyway? Or White Collar, My Boys, or Warehouse 13? A girl has needs, you know.