Après debout, le déluge
Jul. 16th, 2017 08:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grammarwomanI spend so long pondering things to post and the titles that go with them that many options come and go.
Forgive my crappy French, but a riff on "Après nous, le déluge" seemed appropriate, seeing as since starting the progesterone pill, which was supposed to ameliorate the issue, I'm on my second round of bleeding like my uterus is a portal to an abattoir. Every hour or so I stand up and gush around my super-plus tampon, overflowing to my super-plus pad, so I waddle upstairs and change. If I'm timing it correctly, I don't leak on my clothes; the oopses get rinsed out with hydrogen peroxide and tossed in the shower to wait to be laundered. The whole ridiculous over-the-topness of it is like a real-life B-movie, bad special effects and all. The last round was a month ago, lasting for two weeks, with the first week being bad enough that I worked from home so I could have immediate access to the bathroom and supplies. I'm glad I thought to bring my laptop home from work when the red tides started again on Friday, because it looks like this week will be a repeat of that. I'm going to call my gyno and ask about the ablation after all, because I can't take many more rounds of this.
In a word, I am tired. Could be the anemia, the exasperation in not knowing why my uterus hates me, the failure of contractors to call me back already (the backyard jungle is taunting me at this point), the dread and resentment of the anniversary party (more on that in a bit), or just that the sheer mental load of it all (that link, OMG - the "there's a phrase for that? I'm not the only one?" solidarity almost outweighs the depressing realization of how prevalent it is in my life) is weighing me down. Oh, and on the topic of weight, my body is the heaviest it's ever been, including being full term with the Emperor, so I'm re-evaluating where I went awry from my healthy habits of a couple of years ago and how I got here. (In short, dog died -> depression -> tappy phone game that I took up as a distraction became an obsession and ate up more time than I was willing to admit -> late to bed, early to rise -> eating more to get energy levels up -> bronchial yuck and monstrual cycles limiting activities and movement -> food as rewards/recompense for everything else going on -> unhappy weight.) I had a Picard moment with myself ("The Line Must Be Drawn Here!"), realizing the game wasn't making me happy, nor was the extra food, so I'm cutting them both out. Since then, I've gotten more sleep, deferred snacking until I was actually hungry, and resisted the siren call of the household candy. It probably won't have a visible impact in time for Vividcon or the party, so I'm trying hard to manage my expectations and emotions around that.
I wish that my conflicted (dread! excitement! happiness at seeing people! resentment!) feelings about the party and Vividcon weren't bleeding into each other, so I'm trying to redirect the anxiety into steps to be accomplished instead. Then my mother calls with more details and I sink back into hair-pulling irritation. She has an uncanny ability to blithely assign me things that I don't want to do (decide on a menu with my brother, plan out where everything should go in the house, be prepared to make a speech to the crowd, brainstorm decorations) and offer to outsource the tasks that I would actually choose (make a photo-collage vid, fill in from the public library the music she wants but doesn't own). I did the math the other day; I've made or remastered six vids since January, so my brain is a little bit crunchy on that front. But my husband knows me well and has already told me not to stress out about making their anniversary vid a cinematic masterpiece. Bless him and his ongoing support in all this mess.
I made a last-minute overnight trip to see some friends Friday night; it was an emotional visit, talking about where our lives have gone since the halcyon days of our young adulthood. (Of the half-dozen weddings we went to in the year after the Emperor was born, four of them have or are in the process of splitting up. Adulthood can really suck.) It was a good time, but tiring; I got back Saturday afternoon to do some grocery shopping and home to cook dinner. I collapsed early last night and slept a whole bunch, then made some waffled cinnamon rolls from a can (different but good) and baked & broiled breakfast sausages (SO YUMMY) for brunch this morning. Since then, I have spent almost the whole day on the couch, catching up on the internet in between runs to the bathroom and cursory poking at household needs. I definitely needed a day of rest.
I am happy about the recent Doctor Who casting news (though this reminds me that I need to go back and catch the latest season). The "Wrinkle in Time" trailer makes my young sci-fi nerd heart sing (and Chris Pine as the greying dad means my current fangirl heart is very happy). The Emperor continues to be a challenge and a joy to raise; even the difficult discussions have some sweetness to them, as I thank him for sharing his concerns with me rather than bottling them up and letting them fester inside. Most days I feel like a lazy cop-out on the mom front, but as long as I can help him develop into an emotionally healthy and independent adult, I'll try to acknowledge that success.
Forgive my crappy French, but a riff on "Après nous, le déluge" seemed appropriate, seeing as since starting the progesterone pill, which was supposed to ameliorate the issue, I'm on my second round of bleeding like my uterus is a portal to an abattoir. Every hour or so I stand up and gush around my super-plus tampon, overflowing to my super-plus pad, so I waddle upstairs and change. If I'm timing it correctly, I don't leak on my clothes; the oopses get rinsed out with hydrogen peroxide and tossed in the shower to wait to be laundered. The whole ridiculous over-the-topness of it is like a real-life B-movie, bad special effects and all. The last round was a month ago, lasting for two weeks, with the first week being bad enough that I worked from home so I could have immediate access to the bathroom and supplies. I'm glad I thought to bring my laptop home from work when the red tides started again on Friday, because it looks like this week will be a repeat of that. I'm going to call my gyno and ask about the ablation after all, because I can't take many more rounds of this.
In a word, I am tired. Could be the anemia, the exasperation in not knowing why my uterus hates me, the failure of contractors to call me back already (the backyard jungle is taunting me at this point), the dread and resentment of the anniversary party (more on that in a bit), or just that the sheer mental load of it all (that link, OMG - the "there's a phrase for that? I'm not the only one?" solidarity almost outweighs the depressing realization of how prevalent it is in my life) is weighing me down. Oh, and on the topic of weight, my body is the heaviest it's ever been, including being full term with the Emperor, so I'm re-evaluating where I went awry from my healthy habits of a couple of years ago and how I got here. (In short, dog died -> depression -> tappy phone game that I took up as a distraction became an obsession and ate up more time than I was willing to admit -> late to bed, early to rise -> eating more to get energy levels up -> bronchial yuck and monstrual cycles limiting activities and movement -> food as rewards/recompense for everything else going on -> unhappy weight.) I had a Picard moment with myself ("The Line Must Be Drawn Here!"), realizing the game wasn't making me happy, nor was the extra food, so I'm cutting them both out. Since then, I've gotten more sleep, deferred snacking until I was actually hungry, and resisted the siren call of the household candy. It probably won't have a visible impact in time for Vividcon or the party, so I'm trying hard to manage my expectations and emotions around that.
I wish that my conflicted (dread! excitement! happiness at seeing people! resentment!) feelings about the party and Vividcon weren't bleeding into each other, so I'm trying to redirect the anxiety into steps to be accomplished instead. Then my mother calls with more details and I sink back into hair-pulling irritation. She has an uncanny ability to blithely assign me things that I don't want to do (decide on a menu with my brother, plan out where everything should go in the house, be prepared to make a speech to the crowd, brainstorm decorations) and offer to outsource the tasks that I would actually choose (make a photo-collage vid, fill in from the public library the music she wants but doesn't own). I did the math the other day; I've made or remastered six vids since January, so my brain is a little bit crunchy on that front. But my husband knows me well and has already told me not to stress out about making their anniversary vid a cinematic masterpiece. Bless him and his ongoing support in all this mess.
I made a last-minute overnight trip to see some friends Friday night; it was an emotional visit, talking about where our lives have gone since the halcyon days of our young adulthood. (Of the half-dozen weddings we went to in the year after the Emperor was born, four of them have or are in the process of splitting up. Adulthood can really suck.) It was a good time, but tiring; I got back Saturday afternoon to do some grocery shopping and home to cook dinner. I collapsed early last night and slept a whole bunch, then made some waffled cinnamon rolls from a can (different but good) and baked & broiled breakfast sausages (SO YUMMY) for brunch this morning. Since then, I have spent almost the whole day on the couch, catching up on the internet in between runs to the bathroom and cursory poking at household needs. I definitely needed a day of rest.
I am happy about the recent Doctor Who casting news (though this reminds me that I need to go back and catch the latest season). The "Wrinkle in Time" trailer makes my young sci-fi nerd heart sing (and Chris Pine as the greying dad means my current fangirl heart is very happy). The Emperor continues to be a challenge and a joy to raise; even the difficult discussions have some sweetness to them, as I thank him for sharing his concerns with me rather than bottling them up and letting them fester inside. Most days I feel like a lazy cop-out on the mom front, but as long as I can help him develop into an emotionally healthy and independent adult, I'll try to acknowledge that success.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-17 05:18 am (UTC)I'm so grateful the hardest thing about my Aged P's big anniversary is having to haul myself and TB the three hour drive over the day after we break for summer and do my best to pretend not to be cranky or tired. The first will be easier due to the uncranking presence of my Niblings, the second not so much.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-17 02:41 pm (UTC)This uterus has failed to deliver on several fronts, so yes, I would like a fully functional replacement please: new from factory, not used or refurbished.
I would have gladly paid to host the whole shebang in a restaurant, but Mom wouldn't have it: "I wouldn't be able to socialize with everyone!" *sigh* Have fun with yours!
(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-17 11:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-17 02:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-18 03:58 am (UTC)I'm so sorry (if not at all surprised) that the party is turning out to be a big drain on your time, energy, and patience. Oy.
Are you up for planning some VVC hang-out time? My schedule is pretty open at this point, so if you wanna hang out and have a quiet lunch in my room (possibly with veggies from my garden, depending on how soon the tomatoes ripen), pick a day and let's make it happen. ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-18 05:22 pm (UTC)The party is shaping up to be a perfect storm of things on my DNW list. Even if I don't fail at it all, per se, the anticipation of such will feel almost the same. Yay.
I would absolutely love some hangout time with you! :) I would say Sunday > Friday in terms of preferences, with a backup of Monday if we're both still there, since Thursday is debatable for arrival time and Saturday is Right Out. Thank you!
(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-21 11:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-22 12:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-23 05:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-29 08:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-07-29 03:06 pm (UTC)