Grief

[grammarwoman]

Grief is stupid and painful and awkward. There are no right answers, and in the middle of it, it feels easier to do nothing or avoid feeling things entirely, which is possibly the worst thing to do.

My brother's son turned 25 in the beginning of January; he's now officially half my age. I haven't seen him or his sister in seven years, when they ghosted my brother, my folks, and me. I still don't know what happened.

My mom's sister died last week. She was one of my favorite aunts. She's been struggling with her health, both mental and physical, for a while now. I want to reach out to my cousins, but I have no fucking clue what to say, and every day that passes makes it harder. I don't even know how I'm going to support my mom through this.

My husband's sister called us last week to tell us that their mom's dementia is getting worse. Their folks drove out to the West Coast for their annual winter visit, but sometime along the way, MiL stopped recognizing her husband and started telling him he was an imposter and to give her back the real spouse. SiL was able to talk her down enough over the phone to get them to their destination. I have not heard any updates.

I am not dealing with any of it very well, and all of it together makes me want to NOPE right out of processing any of it.

Comments

[catwalksalone]

I'm so sorry, that's so much to deal with. I think with your mum, you need to just show up for her and ask her what she needs, but don't forget to take time to do your own grieving. Tell your husband when you're having a bad day, a wobble, when you just can't, don't try to push through. You'll do the same for him.

If you can't figure out what to say to your cousins, can you send them something that says it for you? I know my friends valued the meal train set up after my friend died unexpectedly. Can you get them food? You don't have to say the perfect thing, reaching out will let them know their mum was loved and that will help, I promise.

Oh, so many hugs for you. Process in your own time, it's okay.

[grammarwoman]

*deep breaths* That is excellent and lovely advice. I have a weird thing with sending flowers (they're pretty, but they don't last, plus $$$), and I was thinking food would be both useful and appreciated. Plus the actual reaching out and talking. Connections are important but hard sometimes.

Thank you for the support and the hugs!

[peoriapeoriawhereart]

I second the food; there are various options at different points to customize as suits the recipient; there used to be boxes with also the wee jars of jams.

Flowers are best when you have them show up from a local florist at a time that people aren't grieving.

*hugs*

[grammarwoman]

Both very good points - thank you!

[beatrice_otter]

I'm so sorry

[grammarwoman]

Thank you.

[shaddyr]

That sounds very hard. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[grammarwoman]

Aw, thanks. I don't even know if I'd be doing better if it weren't all at once, but events don't care, do they?

[peoriapeoriawhereart]

That's very true about Events. Just tag out when you need, and be the relay member as you can.

[kass]

Oh honey. Yeah. Grief is stupid and painful and awkward, and there is no way out but through.

I am sorry that your brother's kids are apparently so angry at him that they've ghosted all of you. And I'm really sorry about your aunt. As far as what to say to your cousins... I tend to think one can't go wrong with "I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm holding you in my heart."

And oh, God, dementia is SO fucking hard. I hated that part of the end of my dad's life.

tl;dr I have no wisdom to offer but I hear you and I've been there (or my version of "there," anyway) and this is a fucking hard thing about midlife.

[grammarwoman]

Heh, as much as I wish I could substitute tantrums and avoidance, I know I need to work through this.

I have my suspicions about what could have happened between my brother and his kids: he was an alcoholic (which, THANKS MOM AND DAD for never telling me until near the end of his life); he and their mom had a contentious relationship before, during, and after their divorce (again with info nobody shared with me until after); and I can only imagine from the example that my folks set that he might have been an abusive parent too. But I know he loved those kids, and it broke his heart when they shut him out.

It might be cultural appropriation, but I really appreciate the sentiment of "May their memory be a blessing", too.

Dementia is so fucking cruel to all parties involved. Like the ultimate BRAINS WHY. *HUGS*

Pshaw on your comment being not-wisdom. It is love and support and I am so grateful for it and you. *HUGS*

[peoriapeoriawhereart]

I'm thinking that's one even gentiles may use. Sorta like cops have rabbis (a hold over from when there were A Lot of city police of the Jewish faith.)

[princessofgeeks]

I am so sorry. That is a lot.

[grammarwoman]

Thank you; I appreciate it.

[resolute]

I am so sorry.

That's a lot of loss, and anger, and sadness.

I'm sorry.

[grammarwoman]

Thank you. This sandwich generation stage absolutely SUCKS sometimes.

[romantical]

Oh, man. That's awful. Sorry you're dealing with so much. Life, man. ♥

[grammarwoman]

Thank you. Life and what comes after, eh? It just keeps going. <3

[musesfool]

I'm so sorry. *hugs* That is an awful lot to deal with.

[grammarwoman]

Thank you! <3 Trying to give myself grace to feel overwhelmed, because it is such a fucking lot.

[gwyn]

I’m so sorry, my dear. That’s really a lot to sort through and cope with. I’m sending you all the hugs through the ether.

[grammarwoman]

Thank you - hugs are very welcome right now. *HUGS*

[umadoshi]

That is so much. I'm sorry.

[grammarwoman]

Thank you. At least I feel like I can breathe a smidge easier.