Spinning on that dizzy edge

In a work online meeting today, a coworker said he's taking Friday off to go see Dune II. I asked if he was going to get a sandworm popcorn bucket; he laughed and said he didn't think it was an AMC movie theater. Nobody else in the meeting had heard about the bucket, which is basically the head of the sandworm and a view into its gullet sealed on top of the container. I said eating popcorn from that would mean sticking your hand into its gaping maw, but it would be a neat memento. It then spun off into riffing on Dune, where I remembered the term for "that needle thing" (the gom jabbar), debated the Lynch versus Villeneuve pronunciation of Bene Gesserit and Harkonnen, and how many books in the series I made it through (5? 6? The misogyny wore me down).

Another coworker commented that he didn't know I was such a nerd, to which I laughed and said "You have no idea." What I didn't say was that he could probably bring together at least three or four of our coworkers and they still wouldn't add up to how nerdy I am. (Never get into a nerd flex contest with a fangirl when cred is on the line.)

So I was going to post about how I'm proud of myself for making a treat for Festivids, and accepting that it received an average response and not the glowing dozens of comments I've had in previous years, which is fair because it was kind of a slapdash effort, but then I tested positive for Covid yesterday and I'm just done with this week.

I mean, I do have a lot of feelings, like determination that NEXT YEAR I'll have made an impression on the vidding community such that someone will at least post my vid in the "Guess the Festividder" chain, even if my name isn't mentioned, maybe by working on a treat in advance so it doesn't end up a hot mess.

I also have feelings about the friend who attended a gaming session sick and didn't mask or test beforehand, thereby infecting me AND the kid, but I'm trying to be gracious, because 4 years was a good run to avoid it, and it's partly on me for not getting the family in for the latest vax (though I did get the flu shot, and spend most of December and January slogging through with an unrelated cold), and apologies were offered, but we're still sick. At least our schedules are flexible enough that it's more of an annoyance than a crisis, and so far our symptoms have been pretty mild, and I am not borrowing trouble by worrying about Long Covid just yet. Though the taste of a metallic rat having died in my mouth can go away any time, thanks Paxlovid. Today we wait to see if the spouse is also positive; it was almost cute yesterday the way he kept forgetting that maybe he shouldn't be in close quarters with me until he's confirmed one way or the other.

I took yesterday and today off work, since my brain is noping out of concentrating right now. Heartstopper in its various forms has been keeping me company. Bless fandom for sharing.

In short: UGH.

Grief is stupid and painful and awkward. There are no right answers, and in the middle of it, it feels easier to do nothing or avoid feeling things entirely, which is possibly the worst thing to do.

My brother's son turned 25 in the beginning of January; he's now officially half my age. I haven't seen him or his sister in seven years, when they ghosted my brother, my folks, and me. I still don't know what happened.

My mom's sister died last week. She was one of my favorite aunts. She's been struggling with her health, both mental and physical, for a while now. I want to reach out to my cousins, but I have no fucking clue what to say, and every day that passes makes it harder. I don't even know how I'm going to support my mom through this.

My husband's sister called us last week to tell us that their mom's dementia is getting worse. Their folks drove out to the West Coast for their annual winter visit, but sometime along the way, MiL stopped recognizing her husband and started telling him he was an imposter and to give her back the real spouse. SiL was able to talk her down enough over the phone to get them to their destination. I have not heard any updates.

I am not dealing with any of it very well, and all of it together makes me want to NOPE right out of processing any of it.

...In my defense, it's only been six months this time since my last post. Pretty much all of what I said then is still true.

( Read more... )

HOWEVER. The bright and shining light in all this was being run over by the squee bus for Heartstopper right at New Year's. After a busy round of visiting and hosting, I sat myself down on the couch and thought, "Hey, this looks entertaining for the little brain space I have right now."

I dunno why it took me this long, considering all of heresluck's posted joy and vids. Why did I not see the appeal sooner? Sometimes I am the last to the party, after the other guests have left and the host has moved and someone else lives there now. I made up for the delay in my intensity of absorbing it all. I watched all through both seasons three times in a row, to the point that I think Netflix was pulling shit out of a hat to suggest as something else to watch. (Grey's Anatomy? NCIS? Shut it and queue up the next HS episode, please!) I dabbled in watching interviews, and scrolling Tumblr, and basically drinking from the Heartstopper firehose. MADE FOR ME.

I mean, there's absolutely nothing I can say about it that hasn't been said, but EEEEE! Stories of young queer love, and found families, and supportive actual families, and friends who hang out in close physical proximity with hugs all around. I have found my delayed grumpiness at the strikes depriving me of more post season 2 interviews, and now I have to wait SO LONG for Season 3. ARGH. My adorable husband has taken to saying things like "You're looking twitchy. How many hours has it been since you've watched Heartstopper?" and letting me veg out to rectify the situation.

Hi! Turns out I'm still a fangirl. *flails*

To steal from my response to bingeling, the thankfully delighted recipient, did it take me half a year to tweak the anon version of this vid, update the credits, and upload the finished product? Yup! Does that delay in any way diminish how happy I was to make this vid and get so many amazing comments? Nope, not at all!

EEAaO blew me away the first time I saw it. I laughed, I cried, I marveled at how this cinematic version of drinking from the firehouse could be so ridiculous and yet so tender and emotional. I soaked up every interview with the cast and crew, just to spend some more time in the virtual company of oddballs who loved it even more than I did.

When a bunch of Festivids requests came in for the movie, I realized a bunch more people loved it, too. Even anticipating it to be a popular choice for vidders, I had to join them, and armed with my best "Two Cakes!" energy, I dove in with an epic arrangement of "Ode to Joy" and went for it. (Joy was built into the song! I pondered doing some extended titling like "Ode to Joy and Evelyn and Waymond and...", but I figured a shorthanded "Ode to Everything" would do instead.)

I was blown away by the comments left on it. I mean, in true Festivids procrastinating spirit, this came together in like three days, so I really must have hit a chord with my enthusiasm.

Why did it take me so long to follow up with the credited version and this post? Because brains are dumb and made of sulky meat. Razzer-frazzer brains. ANYWAY.

You can watch it here or on A03:
Ode to Everything

( Ode to Everything )

It's been a long, long time since I made a vid. The last one I created was for my brother's funeral over three years ago. That took a lot out of me and kinda squashed any vidding urges I had for quite a while.

When I saw skygiants' Festivids requests pop up on the pinch hit list, I was lured in by the thought of making a "Much Ado About Nothing" vid. I've loved that movie since the first time I saw it, with its amazing banter and chemistry between Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh. I dithered long enough that the pinch hit was claimed, but the idea had taken root and wouldn't let me go, and since it had been so long since a vidding idea grabbed me so hard, I decided to go for it. I spent a few hours looking for music, and with that nailed down, the vid came together over three days. There were a lot of meetings that week at work, so multitasking FTW!

With a solid version finished, there was a bit of time before the submission deadline. I had the source already and a different take, and the vidding bit between my teeth, so in the time left before Go Live, I pulled together "Girls Chase Boys".

I hope the condensed timeline in which I made these doesn't show too badly, not to mention the music alterations and cuts. I was certainly blown away by all the positive comments left on the posts, especially the ones from skygiants. With that kind of enthusiastic and detailed feedback, I would make vids for her any day. :D

I tweaked a couple things in the updated version, and built subtitle files for the first time (!!!), so it's taken me a bit to write up a vid post. Vid in haste, review in leisure?

You can watch them here or on A03:
Much Ado about True Love
Girls Chase Boys

( Much Ado About True Love )

( Girls Chase Boys )

If anyone wants copies of these, let me know and I will upload them.

It is Monday, and it is a very Mondayish Monday, so...snark warning? Lots of f-bombs? Turns out I'm a little on edge.
( The standard 20 questions )

I wish I could concentrate on all the blessings we have: money's fine, everyone's healthy, we have plenty of space to not be on top of each other, and the whole "shelter in place" thing really didn't impact our lives all that much. Hell, even my habits (both good and bad) are being rewarded, since my sewing hoard is coming in handy for making masks, my proclivity to hermit up in my house for entertainment was great training, and our disinclination to travel much meant we didn't have to cancel any expensive plans. But the ongoing battle to not completely lose my damned mind at the other occupants of this house for their failure to contribute is eating most of my spoons.

Hello! It's been a while, eh?

I'll start small with some gratitudes.

1. The dog reacts much better to having her paws washed/wiped than our previous one.
2. I love working from home. Every visit into the offices confirms what a brilliant option this was for me.
3. Tomorrow's Friday!
4. Everyone in the household is currently healthy and mostly functional.
5. Past!me made a valiant effort to automate most of the bills, so current!me doesn't have to cringe as much at the lateness of opening mail.

Tonight's project is tackling that huge stack. Onward!

July, huh? Time is so weird.

sheafrotherdon gave me 3 things for the meme, and I thought it would help spark some initiative for actually posting again.

Radiator
I have never lived anywhere with radiators for heating; for me they evoke a feeling of downtown apartments and urban living, and workarounds for having that much wall space occupied. I have to say that, especially now that summer's muggy and sweltering temps have arrived, I am appreciating more than ever my central AC. I like to say that it's an unofficial part of my marriage contract, because nobody wants to live with an overheated and oversaturated me. So radiators can be scenic set dressing for other people.

Piano
I grew up with always having a piano in the house; my mom got her parents' player piano, and now my folks have a massive number of player piano rolls, though they've slowed down or stopped collecting them due to running out of storage space. I have so many happy holiday memories of sitting around that piano, pumping the foot pedals as everyone sings along to carols scrolling by on the rolls.

I took lessons on that piano from when I was 8 through freshman year in high school. I like to think that learning that kind of keyboarding made touch typing that much easier, and reading music is never a bad skill to have in one's back pocket. We inherited the in-laws' old clunker a few years ago - it's about the level of an old church basement piano, with dead keys and some jarring out-of-tune notes. I don't know if it's worth getting it tuned, since no one in the household regularly uses it. There are a couple numbers that I can still play, given a little warmup time; I always mean to get back to consistently using it, but time is the enemy. My kid will occasionally plink out songs on it from his bells sheet music. He's really good for having zero lessons. When he gets better about practicing drums on a regular basis, I may even give in to his requests for piano lessons.

Potted plant
When I'm actually putting effort into it, I have a green thumb; I've got a bunch of indoor plants whose condition match my executive function levels to take care of them. I've managed to keep one of my orchids blooming since November, and I'm hoping the other two take notice and step up their game, or I might have to Crowley-yell at them. (Kidding. I would never intimidate my plants that way; passive-aggressive guilting is more my style. ;) ) I also have a lot of the other usual suspects, like a bunch of violets, some pothos, several pots of aloe and a few other succulents, a spider plant and several of its offspring, and various and sundry other bits and bobs I've picked up along the way. When the weather backs down a bit from its current SAUNA setting, and maybe even rains, I need to try to remember to put them outside for a while as a treat.

Anybody in the mood for three words/phrases from me?

I got my walk in this afternoon, and it was delightful. I was bundled up in two layers from head to toe; the only part of the cold that was bothersome was my nose running, but that's what pocket tissues are for.

Here we are tipping over into February, and it turns out I am still nursing resentment from the holidays. I took off from work the week between Christmas and New Year's, and from the span of December 21st to January 1st I think I got all of a day as an actual vacation. The rest was spent decorating, cooking, shopping, wrapping, planning, driving, and being at other people's houses. My mom and dad were super grateful, even as it was occasionally weird and hard and awful without my brother there, but...*Sigh* And then my in-laws made me want to scream due to ongoing shenanigans and drama.

So I need to work on letting that go, which is hard, because I can nurse a grudge like nobody's business. I'm prescribing myself deep cleansing breaths and making lists of gratitudes. Like:

1) Our furnace has soldiered on like a trouper through this cold.

2) We had enough food in the house that we didn't have to make any emergency store runs.

3) I have a treadmill so I can get my steps in regardless of the weather.

4) The bills are paid and will continue to be paid for the foreseeable future.

5) Circumstances aside, it's nice having both of my boys home with me as I work.

6) I am lucky to have you guys as a sounding board and Team Me. Thank you!

TGTF!