'Waterloo' soundtrack - a fan's perspective

[grammarwoman]

A while back, the gracious and talented ivorygates posted her Not a 'Waterloo' mix, a song list for her gorgeously aching love story Waterloo Bridge, an SG-1 AU with a gender-flipped Daniel Jackson. We got into something of a discussion about other compatible songs. There may have been subliminal coercion going on, because before I knew it, I got infected with the urge to create a collection myself.

The following would be the result.

I've been fussing, rearranging, and cutting for a bit now, and I think I must call it done before I fall into a state of endless dithering.

This monster adds up to about an hour and a half of music. (I know that isn't CD compatible, but really, do most people use CDs to listen anymore? I suppose it's ridiculous then to include covers, but they're just so perfect.)

Other necessary explanations and apologies: I snurched some music from synecdochic's excellent Eurydiceverse and a howling in the factory yard mixes, and a ton from unamaga's toe-curling Fanmix: Manwhore. I also copied with her permission kazbaby's fantastic covers she created for this story. Oh, and ivorygates? I totally used that Siouxsie & the Banshees song. You snooze, you lose. *grin*

Warning: I excerpted many sections from the story to explain my song selections, so 'ware the spoilers. In addition, this piece is NC17, NSFW, and packs a huge emotional wallop. In ivorygates's words, it contains: "Slash, het, violence, paraphilia, BDSM, strong language, angst, angst, S9/10 and you know what that means." So click and read at your own risk.


Of course, this is dedicated to ivorygates, for all the hours I've spent blissfully lost in your work. I ran out of marble for your temple, so this will have to do instead.




I split it into two largeish chunks, rather than one HUGE one. Please let me know if you have any troubles downloading, and I'll see about a different provider.

ETA: I have been informed that a couple of tracks got corrupted on their merry way through the intarwebs, so I will be rebuilding and reuploading the ZIPs tonight. My apologies for the difficulties.

ETA2: Now with new linkies! If these still have corrupted tracks, please let me know.

Download Part the 1st

Download Part the 2nd






1. Portishead, “Sour Times”

"Jack," she says, setting her cup down on the coffee table and walking over to him. Her voice always sounds so alive when she talks to O'Neill, as if she can't be who she really is except with him. "I didn't know you were coming to the Springs."

Cos nobody loves me/Its true/Not like you do/Who am I, what and why/Cos all I have left is my memories of yesterday/Oh these sour times


2. The Postal Service, "This Place is a Prison"

But he's got clearance to read Jackson's security reviews, and he does, because the people Jackson refers to as their 'dear and gentle masters,' are screaming their fool heads off for results that God Himself couldn't provide, and General O'Neill in Washington and General Landry at the SGC won't be able to protect them much longer and meanwhile the pressure's mounting and they all feel it.

This place is a prison/And this people aren't your friends/Inhaling thrills through $20 bills/And the tumblers are drained and then flooded again/And again/There are guards at the on ramps armed to be teeth/And you may case the grounds from the cascades to Puget sound/But you are not permitted to leave.


3. Nouvelle Vauge, “Psyche”

It's the middle of the following week before he chases down the cryptic reference she made to 'doing more reading', and when he does, he really isn't sure whether to shit or go blind. It's buried in SG-1's Mission Reports, and while he got the Cliff's Notes Versions while he was at Walter Reed, he's getting the full-length versions now. And so in the middle of the following Wednesday, he comes across full details of what happened during the Foothold situation eight years ago when a Goa'uld named Hathor came damned close to taking over Earth.

Jackson isn't worried about her implant failing because she doesn't need one.

You're alone in the pack/You're feeling like you want to go home/You're feeling unfinished but you keep on going/The reason is there/You'll be falling 'til your feet are gone/Because you’re living a hoax/Sell us what you suss/Draw your brain, a sick inspiration/Your pill illusion/And then you follow a transfer/If you don't know the game/Then you're still part of it/Because out on the streets/It's strange/Dodge the bullet or carry the gun/The choice is yours


4. Siouxsie and the Banshees, "Peek-a-Boo"

In the middle of her first year at the SGC she started picking up men in bars. Six years later she stopped.

Creeping up the backstairs /Slinking into dark stalls /Shapeless and slumped in bathchairs /Furtive eyes peep out of holes /She has many guises /She'll do what you want her to /Playing dead and sweet submission /Cracks the whip deadpan on cue /Peek-a-boo Peek-a-boo


5. Dido, "Honestly OK"

"It's my birthday," she announces.

He's been at the SGC since the tag-end of March, and every possible joke about the Ori being the worst April Fool's Day joke ever has been done, because Spencer died on April First. And you'd think that in the last three months somebody would have mentioned something. You'd think he'd have remembered, because he's seen her file, and it's got her birth date in it: July 8th. Today. Yesterday, actually, because right now it's the morning of July 9th. And while he's catching up to that, it comes to mind that Sam could have mentioned something, and then it occurs to him that Sam could have celebrated Jackson's birthday, too, because she and Jackson have been friends - close friends - for the past eight years and just what the hell is up with the fact that Jackson's here - alone - and Sam called him to play taxi?

I just want to feel safe in my own skin /I just want to be happy again /I just want to feel deep in my own world /but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore /On a different day if I was safe in my own skin /then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened /But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin


6. Tegan & Sara, "I Bet It Stung"

"Sam called you because she didn't want to come." Put that way it sounds ugly, maybe uglier than the truth is, and he doesn't want to answer, but he doesn't have to. She sighs, and closes her eyes, and tilts her head back. The kitchen lights aren't kind; she looks haggard.

I know you plan out everything that you want to say /I wish that we didn't have to go about things this way /I love the rock and roll, I love the rock and roll /Don't get so uptight, don't get so uptight /Go, go away /Tell me you love me like you think you want to be loved /Pull on my hand and say, please just let's make it this way /I love the rock and roll, I love the rock and roll /Don't get so uptight, don't get so uptight /Go, go away


7. 10,000 Maniacs, “Trouble Me”

"I want to-" he says, and stops, because by now he knows that any sentence that ends take care of you isn't going to go down well. "Make sure you're okay," he finishes.

But apparently that's the wrong thing, too. "Why wouldn't I be?" she asks. "I've got you."

Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and your worries./Trouble me on the days when you feel spent./Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong? /Trouble me. /Speak to me, don`t mislead me, the calm I feel means a storm is swelling /there`s no telling where it starts or how it ends. /Speak to me, why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me when your silence is my greatest fear? /Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong? /Speak to me.


8. The Faint, “Erection"

"Because this is something that I'd actually like to do, you know. And you can think of yourself as my birthday present if it makes you feel better. Or you can just say you've got no interest in me at all."

Her hand is on his chest, rubbing gently, lightly. And she's looking up at him and pressing slowly forward - swaying a little, but not as if she's drunk; he doesn't think she's drunk; he thinks she's stone-cold sober now - and he wants to say he hasn't got any interest, never did, never thought, never wondered-

But he can't.

"Can't," he says, and his voice is hoarse. He can feel himself getting hard and he knows she feels it too.

"Don't worry," she says, and her voice is almost a whisper. "They don't care about us. What we do. They never did."

You know it's not only love dear. /That can flip the switch up. /You know it probably should be. /Maybe god fucked it up. /Oh uh oh. Erection. /It boiled up like a tower. /A monument in the park. /It's the cock of a rifle. /A memory in the dark.


9. The Cliks - "Complicated"

And he comes, moaning, thinking: this is what she wants this is what she wants this is what she wants-

Fuck your pain away /It’s what you had to do /To fall on through to emotion / Fuck your pain away /You slipped on through /I felt in you the commotion /Hey I wanna go home / Don’t wanna be here alone /Yeah, I really can’t stay


10. Lords of Acid, “Rough Sex”

And he thinks about the way she looked in the bedroom with the light gilding her, and he thinks about late nights and early mornings, and not having anyone to talk to who knows (can know) what it is he does now, and he thinks about the couple of times he picked up somebody in a bar here - nice girls, but he couldn't talk to them, and even if he could, could have told them everything, they wouldn't have understood.

"What if I want to do it again?" he asks.

"Then I suppose we will," she says. "You'll want to finish your pizza."
...
Her eyes are closed, and it's like she's listening, and any hope of slow and gentle is pretty much heading right out the window (and so much for good intentions), because the lights are going off behind his eyes and right now the only thing Cam can imagine doing is fucking her through the mattress.

When I think about love / don't think about bright moons / twinkling stars /red wine /silent whispers /holding hands /secret love letters /I'm thinking about pure sex, deep sex, hard sex, rough sex /Go!


11. Libbie Schrader, "Come When I Call"

She's on her back, on the bed, regarding him with what he's now come to realize is the not-precisely-attention Jackson gives to ninety-eight percent of the world. And what he's about to do goes against every polite rule of what you do in bed that Cam knows. If you want to try something new, you ask first. You make sure. The only thing he's completely sure of here is that she'll shut him down if he goes outside the bounds. It'll have to do.

Show me who you are /I have no way of knowing if I’m going too far / Come on, betray those who left me where I lay /Come on and change me without warning /Well I could turn the tide /With one look from my eyes /If you’ll just be leaving in the morning, yeah /It’s all I need /Feel my fingers begging please /It’s all I see here before me /I see you come when I call /And let me in, after all /Show me who you are /I have no way of knowing if we’re going too far /I have no way of knowing if we’re going too far /But here goes nothing /Here goes nothing


12. She Wants Revenge, “Tear You Apart”

He buys them at a store downtown, feeling like he's naked in public, though they're innocent enough things to buy. Silk scarves, big ones, thirty-six inches square. The silk is heavy. They aren't even black. He buys a dozen. That weekend he calls her and (more or less) invites himself over. He's got a double bed with a padded headboard. Jackson's got a king-size bed with a wood-slat headboard and footboard. Heavy as hell; it never shakes no matter what they do on it. He doesn't know if it will be quite right, but it will have to do.

Either way he wanted her and this was bad /Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy /Now a little crush turned into a like /And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her /I want to hold you close /Skin pressed against me tight /Lie still, and close your eyes girl /So lovely, it feels so right /I want to hold you close /Soft breath, beating heart /As I whisper in your ear /I wanna fucking tear you apart


13. Louis XIV, “Pledge of Allegiance”

"You should see yourself," he says, and his voice is rough and low and husky and there's heat and pressure in his chest, fire sliding through his veins like whiskey and flying and love. "You should see yourself right now."

The sounds she's making are intense. Frantic. He wanted to make her (let her) lose control, and he has. Sweat is trickling down her face, down her neck, her skin is damp and strands of hair are plastered to her cheeks. And suddenly she goes still and stiff, and he realizes she's coming. Already. And he wants to be in her when she does, so he stops what he's doing, mounts her, drives into her, grinds against her. Her cunt clutches around him, sucking at his cock as he thrusts, and he left 'reasonable' behind a long time ago; he wants to hear the sounds he knows she'll make if he does all the right things, and so he twists the chain on the clamps (the last pair of clamps) as he fucks her, and jerks it, and pulls it taut. And finally he loosens the clamps (a little, not too much) and yanks them free, and they click and rattle as the chain swings in his hand, and the sound, the sound that Jackson makes in the heartbeat after they come off-

-the sound is what makes him come.

She says head case head case /Turn that thing around /Let's play a game when you hear me make a sound /Just go quite a bit faster /Pretend that I'm gagged and bound /Oh how I love to hear that sound /Milkshake milkshake I love to feel you sweat /We don't have to go to the pool /If you want me to make you wet


14. Alanis Morissette, "Sympathetic Character"

He wonders who it was who taught her to quote Mao and Napoleon and all the other military strategists he's heard her toss off quotes by in the last two years, Sun Tzu and Bismarck and Clausewitz.
...
"Oh, hey," O'Neill says, pulling over a stool and sitting down beside her chair as if he's got all the time in the world. "There's the whole 'you've been off working for the Bad Guys for the last two months or so' thing. Makes it kinda difficult."

She slams her head against the back of the chair one more time, closes her eyes and laughs. "You defected to the Trust."

"Let's not dwell."

"No. Let's. You lied to me and you betrayed me and you left me to twist in the wind, so I think you owe me a certain level of trust now."
...
She switches languages, and this time it's closer to home. Farsi. Cam remembers the sound of it; bringing back memories of cold deserts and constant low-grade fear. O'Neill lets go of her wrist as if it's an effort and takes a step back. Cam can see the bracelet of red around her wrist, the struggle O'Neill has not to do anything else. She switches to English.

"Should have just set off the first bomb on schedule, Jack. Should have let them send the second one. Everyone you care about ends up dead anyway, don't they? That must be why-"

Cam knows (instinct) that he can't let her keep talking. Jackson's words can be worse than her silences: this is one of the times.

I have as much rage as you have /I have as much pain as you do /I've lived as much hell as you have /and I've kept mine bubbling under for you /you were my best friend /you were my lover /you were my mentor /you were my brother /you were my partner /you were my teacher /you were my very own sympathetic character


15. P.J. Harvey, “Harder”

But he's sliding his fingers in with the careful precision Cam associates with weapons-checks: two and three and four and thumb and hitch and twist and slide and he has both fists inside her body up to the wrists, and Cam knows, looking at the wrists, that O'Neill's knuckles are resting on each other, separated only by a thin sheath of flesh. He's not sure whether it's horrifying or erotic. Is this punishment? (And he knows what Jackson always looked for when she took him to bed; and he doesn't want to think any farther than that.) And one wrist slides deeper and the other pulls back, and Jackson makes a high soft wailing sound, almost a sigh, but there's too much voice behind it for that, and Cam would turn his head, would look at her, but he can't take his eyes away from O'Neill's hands, as they move, thrusting and pulling with frightful control and precision, as he twists his wrists, as he pulls, as he thrusts, and it's like pistons, back and forth, and no matter how much she takes, O'Neill wants her to take more, and Cam's trying to keep silent, he doesn't see how she can take this, doesn't see how she can stay braced on her hands and knees that way, and her ribs are heaving, and he wants to look at her, look at her face, see if she's all right, but he can't look away from O'Neill's hands.

Oh oh my my my /My man's up all night /Works me till I moan /Drives me out of my mind /Why it's so hard /Must be made out of cold steel /Why it's so hard /He's a man running my wheel /Just keep me burning /Just keeps me yearning /Put my whole body on fire /Burning whole body desire /Why it's so hard /Yeah taking me over /Why it's so hard /My cold steel soldier /Harder /Harder /Harder


16. Fiona Apple, "Criminal"

"I'm sorry, Jack, I'm sorry," she whispers, just before she starts to cry. After that, Cam can barely make out the words, but enough of them are clear. I did something. What did I do? Tell me.

She's not demanding, she's begging, and it hurts Cam to hear it. He can't believe anyone who loved her wouldn't answer her, but O'Neill just cradles her against his chest and strokes her hair and says "Shh-h-h," and "Nothing," and "Quiet," as if it's foolish of her to even ask. But Cam can see his face and Jackson can't, and he knows there's something, and that it's a thing so terrible that even forgiveness - even love - isn't enough to take that look off O'Neill's face.

Don't you tell me to deny it /I've done wrong and I want to /Suffer for my sins /I've come to you 'cause I need /Guidance to be true /And I just don't know where I can begin /What I need is a good defense /'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal /And I need to be redeemed /To the one I've sinned against /Because he's all I ever knew of love


17. Concrete Blonde, "I don't need a hero"

And Cam knows why he's here. O'Neill needed him to meet the woman he fell in love with. Because this is Dani, not Jackson (and Cam realizes she's the woman he's been chasing, the woman he thought he could turn Jackson into if he did all the right things), and maybe back in the beginning she was the only one living inside Jackson's skin. And right now it's like whatever's holding her (holding Dani) prisoner inside Jackson's head has let go for a while. Been lulled to sleep. Or bludgeoned there. And she can stop watching the shadows at the back of the cave, and walk outside, and see the sun, until it wakes up, and climbs into its chariot, and drags her back inside.

"I'm sorry," she says again. And O'Neill kisses her forehead, and says, "I know. Not your fault. Mitchell will take care of you." And now O'Neill looks at him, and speaks as if she isn’t there. "She needs someone who'll be here." Can stand to be here, go the unspoken words in Cam's head. Because she hasn't driven them away.

Cam meets O'Neill's eyes, and nods. He thinks (he knows) that Jackson (that Dani) is going to love O'Neill until the day she dies, no matter how far away that day is. "I can do that," Cam says. No Apollo and no Atlantis. But this will be enough.

"Good."

O'Neill takes her face in his hands, making eye contact, speaking slowly and carefully, making sure there can be no room for misunderstanding. "We're done now." But Cam hears the unspoken words, and hopes with everything that's in him that Jackson does too. I will always love you.

The colors of that piece of time /and still so fresh inside my mind /and it makes the movie /of my life seem pale /and all the games I have to play /I got to give a lot of me away /but the part with us /will never be for sale /The words of love have been confused /the ways of love have been abused /is this a lottery you win or lose? /I don't know


18. Peter Gabriel, “I Grieve”

O'Neill walks away. A few moments later, Cam hears the outer door close. He's alone with Jackson now. He strokes her back, knowing he isn't comforting her. Her breathing goes from tightly-controlled to even, and he knows she's putting her mask back on, climbing back inside her shell. He can see her bedside clock from where he lies. It's twenty minutes after O'Neill's left when she moves.

"Shower," she says, pulling away from him. Her voice is hoarse. Her eyes are swollen. Her jaw is set. She knows everything he's seen and heard, and - obviously - intends to endure it all by pretending none of it never happened. She moves off the bed and walks slowly and carefully toward the bathroom.
...
He walks into the bathroom, takes down one of the big towels, and dries her gently. She doesn't ignore him, but she doesn't really acknowledge him either; she's too busy, Cam thinks, unmaking the last couple of hours in her mind, locking them up somewhere deep inside. By next week, Cam imagines, they'll both somehow have found a way to pretend today never happened. He doesn't think she'll ever mention O'Neill's name again.

It was only one hour ago /It was all so different then /There's nothing yet has really sunk in /Looks like it always did /This flesh and bone /It's just the way that you would tied in /Now there's no-one home /I grieve for you /You leave me /'so hard to move on /Still loving what's gone /They say life carries on /Carries on and on and on and on


19. Tegan and Sara, "Fix You Up"

Pain, force, domination, humiliation; he spent months unpicking the tangled threads so that he could apply each one separately. Effectively. Finding out what he can minimize, what she has to have, what works.

And what he wants.

Because he does want this. Wants to give what she wants (needs), for his own sake as much as for hers. He didn't know, back in the beginning - she might have had to be the one to show him - but that doesn't make a lot of difference in the end. Now he knows. He followed her down into the dark only to discover he'd been there all along, and finding that out (having his face shoved in it, over and over), let him come out the other side. Sanity and grace. Her gift to him.

What I wanted most, what I wanted most, what I wanted most /Was to get myself all figured out /And what I figured out, what I figured out, what I figured out /Was, I needed more time to figure you out /There's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in /And there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it /You bring it up and bring it in and we'll get you fixed up in no time /Cause this love is all I have to give /This love is all I have to give


20. Peter Gabriel, “Signal to Noise”

He realizes he's lying with his head between her breasts. Came, collapsed, pulled out, zoned out (in no particular order, though probably coming was first.) And apparently his mind has been ticking along in his absence, because ... that disconnect, that silence ... he's not sure whether it's something real or not, but despite that, he's sure it's something Jackson needs more than food or sleep. Needs it enough to take what anyone else would consider insane risks to get it. He wonders if it was something she could get while she was dead. He wonders if she needed it then.
...
And that's another reason why he has to be (he gets to be) in charge of this. Jackson has no limits, no idea of where to stop. She wants silence inside her head, she wants Dani to be able to come out - and she wants those things so desperately she's willing to do just about anything to get them (Cam wonders just how many disasters lie in her past because of that: he can make her talk, but he can't make her tell him something she doesn't know.) And he doesn't think those things will ever change, but one thing has: she trusts him to give her them to her now.

Man I'm losing sound and sight /Of all those who can tell me wrong from right /When all things beautiful and bright /Sink in the night /Yet there's still something in my heart /That can find a way /To make a start /To turn up the signal /Wipe out the noise


21. Heather Nova, “London Rain (Nothing Heals Me Like You Do)”

He feels her sigh, and her hand moves in his. "This is not the life I wanted to have." Her voice is soft, even. Not speaking (so much) for anyone else to hear. He knows she doesn't mean that this is the part she doesn't want; her fingers tighten on his. He knows she means the part where she can't have the man she loves (the other man she loves; Cam thinks she loves him a little, or Dani does, anyway); the part where this is the way she has to (wants to, needs to) live. Not so much the games they play together, but the masks she wears. "I know," he says, and she pulls their clasped hands to where she can brush them with her lips, then settles them beneath her chin.

"Sleep now," he says, and feels her settle further. In the morning he'll get up and make them both breakfast, and make sure she eats. Find out something about the inside of her head, and decide what else he needs to do to make things right. See where the day takes them.

There are times when she's done for him the way he's doing for her now. Came to him when she knew he needed her, offering herself before he'd even thought of taking, and he values that for what it is: Jackson actually being willing to care. Again. Because that's what this is really about: need, and care, and keeping each other safe. They've always done that for each other, really, as much as they could. Even before they became what they are to each other now.

And if it's not quite the life he expected to have when he came to the SGC, they're both still alive, still pretty much sane, and they saved the Universe. So Cam guesses they came out ahead.

I'm coming, I'm coming home to you /I'm alive I'm a mess /I can't wait to get home to you /To get warm, warm and undressed /There've been changes beyond my dreams /Everybody wants me to sing /There've been changes beyond my grasp /Things I'm sinking in /So keep me, keep me /In your bed all day, all day /Nothing heals me like you do /Nothing heals me like you do /And when somebody knows you well /Well there's no comfort like that /And when somebody needs you /Well there's no drug like that



Feel free to leave me a note if you download this, or offer your own suggestions for alternate songs. ivorygates may yet come out with that rumored second collection. *grin*

Comments

[kazbaby]

Oh this is most MOST excellent. *dances*

[grammarwoman]

*grin* Thanks! I hope you deem it worthy of your wonderful art.

[kazbaby]

I do! I really really do! ♥

[ivorygates]

Oh my fucking god.

I'll be more coherent later. I really will. Meanwhile, I note with all condign glee that you've included a song that's been on my Dani mix forever, Concrete Blonde's "I Don't Need A Hero," which so, just ... yes...

These tracks are awesome. And I am utterly stunned that you would do this. Stunned in the flaily good way. With flailing. And being stunned.

[grammarwoman]

Yay! Happy flails to me. *grin*

I've been bringing in a lot of old CDs to work, and that song just jumped out at me, so wahoo for serendipity, hm?

I am so glad you like it, and you aren't nervously groping for the Stalker Alert! button. *relieved sigh*

[ivorygates]

Indeed! And I further ‎reply...‎

[grammarwoman]

Oh my goodness! *blush*

[barefoot-chick.livejournal.com]

asldlkfjaseslijrek!

*squeaks like a squeaky thing*

DOLPHIN NOISES!!!!!!

*flaily hands*

yay

[grammarwoman]

I take it you liked it, then? *grin*

Thanks for the enthusiastic reaction.

[stultiloquentia.livejournal.com]

Oh, kindred spirit! From one person who putters obsessively over soundtracks to other people's stories to another: this is AWESOME. :) The songs I recognize, I like, and I'm impressed and intrigued by the lyric/quote combos for the others. Can't wait to listen.

[grammarwoman]

Oh, bless you! It's nice to know I'm not alone in my insanity. I hope you enjoy it.

[alexseanchai]

*has borrowed high-speed internets*

*absconds with musics*

*is teh happy*

[grammarwoman]

Glad you finally got access - enjoy!