S-M-R-T

[grammarwoman]

A few nights ago, the husband and I were talking to the Emperor’s day-care teacher during pick-up. She commented that he’d had a good day, aside from needing to have his group spot moved to the middle of the circle so he’d stop poking his neighbors. (That would be a “my son” problem, as I am relentlessly tactile with close friends and family. I think I pet the Emperor more often than the dog.)

She also brought up that she was starting to have some difficulties keeping him in sync academically, as he’s mastered the alphabet and the numbers 1-40 way ahead of many of his classmates, and the school’s mandate is to teach to the highest levels in the classroom. She thinks he’ll be reading soon and maybe even branching into multiplication. She mentioned that we must have worked with him a lot at home, to which we replied rather sheepishly that, no, not really, we just read to him quite a bit and talk with him. I managed to blurt out something to the effect that my husband and I are both gifted, so we’re pleased to see that he’s showing all the signs, too, and that we know all about busting the bell curve.

It’s such an awkward subject, you know? Even just posting this here with you guys, I feel all squirmy and “aw, shucks” even mentioning the word “gifted”. How do you mention in casual (or otherwise) conversation that you and your husband are both really smart, and that you met in a high school for really smart people, without coming off as raging egotists? To me, it’s just a part of who I am, nothing that I worked especially hard at or particularly earned. But I don’t want to be falsely modest about it or discount it, because I’m not willing to play dumb for conformity’s sake. I also do not want the Emperor to have to live through the negative experiences his parents have had, if we can avoid it. As much as I would love to think that his academic success is a result of our awesome parenting, I’m much more inclined to suspect that nature is winning through here, and that for once, his genetic inheritance is actually beneficial (I’m looking at you, defective ears/eyes/immune system!). (Of course, I’m also hoping that I’m not completely jinxing things. What if I’m jumping the gun and making unwarranted assumptions about his abilities? Or some random horrible accident happens? *deep breath* Not going there.)

So now I’m pondering just how much we should bring up with future teachers. Do we state up front, “Hey, we’re gifted, and so is our son”, and risk prejudicing the teacher against him and us? Or will the teacher be appreciative and say “Thanks for the info! This will help me fine-tune my approach to his education.”? Do we count on teacher evaluations to follow him through his academic career to spread the word for us? Do we tell the teacher “I’m sorry to add to your work level, but chances are you’ll really need to push him, or he’ll get bored and bad things may ensue.”?

I would love to hear from the parents, teachers, and others out there who have some experience with this.

Comments

[skywind8.livejournal.com]

I don't have as much to say on the parenting/teacher side, tho you may find http://www.sengifted.org/ and http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/ rather useful.

As for talking about giftedness... Sometimes I try to use words that are more concrete (like "I was already reading before kindergarten") rather than the word 'gifted' -- it steps around some of the social hot buttons and also gives more precise information. Also, just practicing saying it helps - I come across as far as less arrogant if I can be totally relaxed and casual mentioning it and then moving right along to what I'm saying next. I didn't get there by avoiding talking about it though.

Gifted can mean a lot of different things, and there are vast differences between "a little gifted" and "exceptionally gifted" - most of the people I knew via IMSA were on the very high end of the curve. So talking about the concrete ways it manifests may give more useful information to a teacher than trying to "name it" would, especially as a kid needs vastly more than the classroom is set up to support.

No matter how good the school, I think they would have had a hard time supporting a structured basic programming class when I was 5 years old in kindergarten. I was learning it successfully self-taught; I wonder how much faster I'd have gone with a little help. That's the sort of concrete manifestation of giftedness that could benefit from specific attention, and which someone might not even imagine from just hearing "is gifted".

[sabaceanbabe.livejournal.com]

Not that I have any experience in either parenting (my husband doesn't count -- neither do the dogs) or teaching (see above), but I agree with this. My only experience is from the receiving end: My brothers and sister taught me to read when I was 3 'cause they thought it was a hoot. My parents, on the other hand, paid no attention at all.

"Gifted" can have negative connotations along with the positive ones and it gives the one labeled as such something they either have to live up to or they have to prove is wrong. But telling his teachers that he likes to learn and that he's good at it and that they may have to push him a bit to keep him interested is a much clearer way of communicating what needs to be known, IMHO.

[zarfmouse.livejournal.com]

I agree with the concrete words thing too. I think "gifted" is something the teachers will want to determine for themselves (as a result of testing and extended observation) but "likes to learn" "already reads" "can multiply 5 digit numbers in his head" "has an uncanny memory" "needs to be challenged" are all things you can tell the teachers.

[michaeldthomas.livejournal.com]

Elitists! ;) (To the rest of this f-list, I also went to IMSA).

I think it’s fine to let the Emperor and his teachers know that you suspect that he’s gifted. Granted, they’ll figure it out themselves as soon as they test the hell out of him like they did to us.

Personally, I wouldn’t squirm one bit. If there is something that I learned more than anything else from my “gifted” experiences, the label and abilities don’t equal success (I suspect that the Emperor’s father feels the same way). No matter what genetic advantages his brain has, it always comes down to hard work and discipline. That’s where the parenting comes in. You are the ones who create the safe, supportive environment for him to thrive.

You guys are awesome parents; don’t feel guilty about the genetics.

[sweetcoalminer.livejournal.com]

There's a blog I read where the mother has dealt with these issues. It is called "Here Be Hippogriffs" and she also blogs at Redbook, although I don't read there. You'll have to look back in the archives as she recently had twins and doesn't talk about her 5-year-old as much.

And WOW! for The Emperor! That's fantastic. :) Maybe a future IMSAn.

Mimi walks around with her shoes on the wrong feet and says, "Frankie get so 'cited when I toot!", so I have no experience on this front. :)

[extatosoma.livejournal.com]

First off, yay for the Emperor for having some SMRTs. He's young yet, so it may be hard to tell whether or to what extent he is intellectually/academically gifted, but it from what you're describing, it sounds like he's definitely at the far end of the curve so far. That's great. Be proud.
When you're talking to teachers or other parents, however, it's fine to express pride, but be sure to temper it with some humility. You don't need to be *falsely* modest about yourself or your child's abilities, of course, but just humble enough to not come across as arrogant or as one of those every-parent-thinks-their-child-is-a-genius parents. Even if your kid *is* a genius. ;) I think skywind8's suggestion of speaking in concrete terms will help accomplish this: "Oh, we're so glad to hear he's picking up math so quickly. My husband and I have always been very mathematically inclined. We met at IMSA in fact." If you're talking to someone who knows of IMSA, they'll be able to read between the lines and get that you're smartypantses (I heart my vocabulator), and if you're not, you can clarify that your school was for students who were advanced in math/science.
You can also make a casual little joke of it like you did above, among friends: "Clearly our son got the bum ears/eyes/immune system genes from us, so we're glad he at least inherited our math genes as well!"
I think speaking in more casual and/or concrete terms like this will benefit you when dealing with his teachers in the future. They'll have a better understanding of where he (and you) are coming from, but without being put off. As long as he learns to value school and learning, his teachers will definitely pick up on his ability and desire for more challenging work, and will do what they can to nurture that.

Digression!

[resolute.livejournal.com]

I consider it as impolite to comment on intellect, honestly, as I do any other physical feature a person can't help. Height, or hair color, or disability. Why is it okay to single a person, or a kid, out as weird and different for a supposedly good thing?

So, I take these remarks as a rudeness, inadvertent or intentional, and I end the conversation by refusing to play along with the "aw, shucks," reply. I like how smart I am. :D If someone acknowledges my intellect, I'll not deny it. When people say, "you must be really smart," I simply say, "yes." It ends the conversation awfully quick. :D

[stillane.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel any better, you've already got a great head start on the whole shebang. My poor parents grew up in a time/place where "gifted" didn't really exist, and then they wound up with me and my sister. Our school district hadn't figured out what to do with kids like us either by then, so there was a lot of guinea pig-style experimentation through the years. (This all makes me sound like I grew up pre-Industrialized Revolution or something, but I'm 23. Home is just a very, very rural place.)

The one difference that I'd say helped smooth out my sister's progression in comparison to mine was that she was tested very early for "gifted" status. People hate labels on principle, but it made it much easier to have it all be a known fact, rather than something that our parents had to worry about introducing to each teacher out of the blue. For us, at least, it also meant standard conferences between parents, administrators, and teachers as to how we were doing, and what direction our education should head in next.

Not sure if that's at all helpful to you, but congratulations, in any case, on the Emperor's early ability to confound and challenge his educators. *g*

[garrity.livejournal.com]

Call me.

[hecateuse.livejournal.com]

Yay for smartypantses! I would encourage you to advocate for J. as strongly and proudly as you can. Get him into the right programs. Get him the right teachers. Have him tested at the right times. Don't assume his teachers will automatically take the lead on making sure he gets a top notch education. (Of course, don't be a stuck up jerk either.)

"Early intervention" is the term used for special needs (i.e. below average) kids and it's been proven _essential_ in helping them meet their full potential, by beginning targeted lessons in preschool or even earlier. Why would the case with above-average kids be any different? J. should always be given the education that is best for HIM at every point in time.

Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but it's had a huge impact on my life. My mom worked tirelessly, having me tested, getting me into the best programs and best schools, talking her way into scholarships for me, because she KNEW there is nothing more valuable than a great education. She wasn't able to give me a lot of other things, and there were definitely sacrifices made to my education, but it was totally worth it.

Clearly J. is just at the point where his abilities are starting to shine through. It's probably a bit early for any specific testing, I think that is usually done around age 5? But if the subject of skipping grades ever comes up, I say don't even hesitate. Go for it, you'll be glad.

[mapacha.livejournal.com]

I agree with what everyone has said. As a teacher, there's a certain joy for me in dealing with parents who A) know how good their child is B) believe in their child and C) Are willing to work with the system to get the best for their child. You're definitely going to have to be an active advocate because intellectual giftedness is very easily squelched in the younger ages. If it wasn't for the active intervention of my parents and some key teachers I simply do not know what would have become of me.

Some suggestions: Make very good friends with a child/youth services librarian. Call the local school district, ask to speak to the Gifted Coordinator and tell her (I swear I'm not being sexist, it's just usually a her) what's going on and ask her what services are available in your area. I also really like the idea of you getting on some gifted parents listservs so you can talk to other people. Networking rawks! :D

Yea you! Yea Husbie! Yea Kiddo!

[mandakbl.livejournal.com]

Concrete terms are a must, and I'd avoid the term "gifted." (Especially in reference to yourself... it freaks your average person out.) We've already had to start having these conversations with my 2 year-old's teachers. She is the youngest, but she far out-paces the others with letters /numbers /vocabulary /sentence structure/ etc. Granted, our conversations have been started by the teachers asking what her father and I do for a living, and if we were like this as children, but we try to be very matter of fact about the whole thing. No labels, for sure. Yes, we are very mathematically inclined, my husband is extremely musical, I have a freakish memory, etc., and Calla seems to be following in our shoes. Whatever the case, don't assume the teachers notice. Bring it up!

[aretela.livejournal.com]

As a teacher, I can say this: Most teachers, ESPECIALLY elementary school teachers, simply aren't very bright. They have very little idea what to do with smart kids, except give them the next assignment down the line sooner. Things can get exponentially worse if your gifted child is also high-spirited, strong-willed, non-compliant, a pain in the ass, call it what you will. You're going to have to be very vigilant and proactive, while developing jedi-like powers of reassurance that you're not crazy, you sympathize with the teacher, but you're very determined. The squeaky wheel definitely gets the attention.

It gets better at the secondary level, because the effects of any one teacher are diluted, and the teachers are generally higher quality.

[bewilde.livejournal.com]

I have adamantly avoided the term "gifted" at all stages with my kids, though I am of the opinion that they are extremely smart and of course they do well in school. What I DO do is try to make sure they have the materials they need to grow on their own, without counting on school for all their learning, and emphasize the values of hard work and effort. I also have been very careful in school choice, making sure they get challenged enough.

FWIW, my kids are a lot like me - book-smart, but more interested in the arts than in "smart" fields. Madeline pushes the smart more than Rachel I think - certainly she is a much more avid reader, at 8 Hoovering up the Harry Potter books and Lord of the Rings - but she wants to be an artist. Rachel wants to be a dancer (and has the talent for it, IMNSHO). I refuse to burden them with a label that is going to make them feel guilty for choosing a non-academic path.