The verdict is in
Mar. 6th, 2009 03:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grammarwomanI am completely useless for work today. The most productive thing I've done is answer questions on a program that uses a procedure of which I am the reigning department champion. (Fortran ODBC calls to SQL Server – whee!) However, I've done a bunch of personal clean-up tasks that each took up ten minutes or less of brainpower. FSA paperwork, emails returned, library accounts cleaned up…anything to look busy.
I am tired, again, some more. I was supposed to be able to sleep in a bit this morning, as the conference at the Emperor's daycare was at 9 AM, a full 45 minutes later than I usually drop him off. However, the Emperor declared that he was "done sleeping" even earlier than usual, so my own snoozefest was more like a series of interrupted five-minute naps. Bleargh.
So the conference…It would have been much easier if I could have just continued to cast his teachers as the bad guys. But no, they have to be all sympathetic and understanding and supportive and nurturing. It was a sit-down with both teachers and the head of the pre-school section of daycare, whose name I didn't even catch. (Strike one against me.) She proceeded to give me the good news/bad news reasons for the meeting.
Essentially, the Emperor is a big-hearted kid, full of affection for his teachers and friends, extra-sharp at academics, chatty as a magpie, and in most ways a well-liked guy. However, he's got very little body control, that, combined with his size and strength, results in bowling over his classmates without even thinking about it (muscles his way to the front of lines, knocks people over when he hugs them, etc.). Plus, he is always touching everyone (hugs, leaning, shirt grabbing) when he should be keeping his hands to himself. (Unfortunately, he gets this straight from me. I am a tactile addict.) He also has attention span problems, where he loses focus easily and gets distracted. Conversely, he always wants to be the center of attention, so he's the loudest in conversations and doesn't take well to being told to wait and be patient.
All these would be tolerable and gently corrected, but the main problem is his aggression. He gets mad really easily, and when he gets mad, he gets physical – punching, kicking, shoving, you name it. I had no idea that they were having regular problems with him. Evidently, it's bad enough that they have to remove him from the class several times a day. Other kids' parents are even concerned, as their kids are namechecking the Emperor, saying that he pushed them or hurt them in some way. Obviously, this is a big issue.
I must admit that I went into the meeting with a chip on my shoulder. I relaxed a bit when they qualified their suggestion to see his doctor with the admission that they weren't just saying to put him on meds, but to see if there were any underlying physical problems, or suggestions the doctor could make. Plus, the lack of activity is not the issue; from what they said, he's just as inclined to be a space-case or hothead when they come in from a long outside activity. It was still hard to sit there and listen to them tell me that my kid is fundamentally flawed.
They talked a lot (like, OMG A LOT) about their education philosophy, The Nurtured Heart approach, which basically states that kids need to have positive behavior constantly and consistently rewarded, while negative behavior gets as minimized a reaction as possible. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? But it's going to take some work on our parts, where we have to remember to praise the good stuff and not get mad at the bad.
I mean, how can I say this without sounding like a total bitch: I get so tired of him needing me so damned hard all the time. I want ten minutes to cook dinner without "Yes, that's a great picture" and "No, don't go into that drawer" and "I SAID, don't go in to that drawer" and "No, you can't have more cheese" and "We don't have time to do Play-Do" and so on. I hope that following this system means I'm going to trade all the time I spend on negative attention, all the STOPs and NOs and DON'Ts, and have only occasional positive attention instead.
So now I'm investigating reward charts and point systems and all the parental work the real world requires, that we probably should have been doing all along. Plus, I'm going to make the damned doctor appointment and hope she can give us useful advice and not just a prescription.
Wish me luck and patience, guys.
I am tired, again, some more. I was supposed to be able to sleep in a bit this morning, as the conference at the Emperor's daycare was at 9 AM, a full 45 minutes later than I usually drop him off. However, the Emperor declared that he was "done sleeping" even earlier than usual, so my own snoozefest was more like a series of interrupted five-minute naps. Bleargh.
So the conference…It would have been much easier if I could have just continued to cast his teachers as the bad guys. But no, they have to be all sympathetic and understanding and supportive and nurturing. It was a sit-down with both teachers and the head of the pre-school section of daycare, whose name I didn't even catch. (Strike one against me.) She proceeded to give me the good news/bad news reasons for the meeting.
Essentially, the Emperor is a big-hearted kid, full of affection for his teachers and friends, extra-sharp at academics, chatty as a magpie, and in most ways a well-liked guy. However, he's got very little body control, that, combined with his size and strength, results in bowling over his classmates without even thinking about it (muscles his way to the front of lines, knocks people over when he hugs them, etc.). Plus, he is always touching everyone (hugs, leaning, shirt grabbing) when he should be keeping his hands to himself. (Unfortunately, he gets this straight from me. I am a tactile addict.) He also has attention span problems, where he loses focus easily and gets distracted. Conversely, he always wants to be the center of attention, so he's the loudest in conversations and doesn't take well to being told to wait and be patient.
All these would be tolerable and gently corrected, but the main problem is his aggression. He gets mad really easily, and when he gets mad, he gets physical – punching, kicking, shoving, you name it. I had no idea that they were having regular problems with him. Evidently, it's bad enough that they have to remove him from the class several times a day. Other kids' parents are even concerned, as their kids are namechecking the Emperor, saying that he pushed them or hurt them in some way. Obviously, this is a big issue.
I must admit that I went into the meeting with a chip on my shoulder. I relaxed a bit when they qualified their suggestion to see his doctor with the admission that they weren't just saying to put him on meds, but to see if there were any underlying physical problems, or suggestions the doctor could make. Plus, the lack of activity is not the issue; from what they said, he's just as inclined to be a space-case or hothead when they come in from a long outside activity. It was still hard to sit there and listen to them tell me that my kid is fundamentally flawed.
They talked a lot (like, OMG A LOT) about their education philosophy, The Nurtured Heart approach, which basically states that kids need to have positive behavior constantly and consistently rewarded, while negative behavior gets as minimized a reaction as possible. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? But it's going to take some work on our parts, where we have to remember to praise the good stuff and not get mad at the bad.
I mean, how can I say this without sounding like a total bitch: I get so tired of him needing me so damned hard all the time. I want ten minutes to cook dinner without "Yes, that's a great picture" and "No, don't go into that drawer" and "I SAID, don't go in to that drawer" and "No, you can't have more cheese" and "We don't have time to do Play-Do" and so on. I hope that following this system means I'm going to trade all the time I spend on negative attention, all the STOPs and NOs and DON'Ts, and have only occasional positive attention instead.
So now I'm investigating reward charts and point systems and all the parental work the real world requires, that we probably should have been doing all along. Plus, I'm going to make the damned doctor appointment and hope she can give us useful advice and not just a prescription.
Wish me luck and patience, guys.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-06 09:52 pm (UTC)Oh woman, I can understand this so much (not saying the Emperor is like either of my boys, but... you know what I mean). I think eventually -- and I'm kind of getting there myself -- you start going into these things just knowing you have a unique and beautiful snowflake child, who is entirely awesome but just not exactly like other kids. So, you have to work with his teachers to make him the best he can be, but find a way to not obsess about his possible
flawsidiosyncracies (they're all unique anyway).I took P to his kindergarten registration today, which is sadly at a different school than the one that's learned how to work so well with him. I'm going to have to restart the process. I'll have to develop a new system for the teacher to communicate with me everday so we can reward (or not reward) at home for his behavior, make sure he's with teachers that understand how to work with a child who is both gifted and incredibly stubborn, etc.
(I don't know if yours is old enough, but one of the things that has worked really well with our older one is if he has a set of 1-5 privileges he gets to do at home. His behavior at school decides whether he gets these privileges at home (2-15 minute sets on his Nintendo DS, watching 30 minutes of a movie he wants, a cookie, and/or go to bed 15 minutes later). We've finally worked out a thumb system. Thumbs up he gets all his privileges, medium-thumb he gets half, and thumbs down he gets none. If he gets a week straight of thumbs up he gets a special treat. It works well for us.
Anyway, it's an idea.)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-10 05:50 pm (UTC)I love that system - it sounds very doable for us. The Emperor is definitely old enough to be bribed and understand consequences.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-06 10:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-10 05:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-06 11:14 pm (UTC)I don't know if this will help any but I have a random observation about Peanut that might give you a different perspective.
Peanut tends to bite me. Sometimes he bites other folks too but mostly and repeatedly he bites me. I thought this was some random two-year-old thing for a while but since I did not enter the world cherry-flavored it seemed strange that he would favor me over all others. I started paying attention to what I was doing that was different. I tend to be the real roughhouser of the family but since I am not exclusive in that respect that couldn't be the whole story either. I finally realized that it was a combination of two factors. The first is that I am a space case and do not always read his mood right. There are many moments when I do something like pick him up when he is doing something else and frustrate and anger him because that was not what he wanted. I also have a tendency to get frustrated myself and if he is not going where I want him to I will pick him up and PUT him there. I am considerably stronger of course and this makes him feel helpless and out of control. He responds as I have taught him to, physically. He does it with me because I am the one who does it with him but if I let it continue for much longer he would probably start to do it with everyone when he gets frustrated.
This is not directly analogous to your situation but since the Emperor can speak his mind a little better than the Peanut maybe this gives you a place to start in asking him why he responds the way he does. We had an odd little conversation about why he did something the last time he was here and he seemed to grasp what I was asking and gave me an honest and thoughtful answer. I did have to sit down with him and be calm for a while to get him settled enough to talk but once we got to talking he really listened and thought.
Hang in there hon, he is truly a good little boy. He is also a very smart little boy, a very strong little boy and a very passionate little boy. He is expressing all of those things in a mixed up jumble at the moment but he is still a little boy. You have more than enough time to teach him better ways of coping and once he realizes that these are good things to learn he will learn quickly, I am sure of it.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-10 07:10 pm (UTC)I was just telling a friend that I was the bossiest little kid, and it seems that the Emperor has inherited that. I wish I could remember how I grew out of that, that what other people said and did didn't mattter so much as long as no one's getting hurt.
Thanks for your comment. It really helps a lot.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-07 02:50 am (UTC)That had to be such a hard meeting for you hon. I hope that this new system works for all of you!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-10 07:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-11 03:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-11 05:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-21 08:23 pm (UTC)I really hear you on what a tough meeting that must have been. I've had people email me to say that they're hesitant to come to play group because of my son being too violent with their children. Not fun at all.
I hope that the book the teachers are talking about is helpful for you. Has it been working so far?
But just to play devil's advocate, I have read a lot of research showing that even though parents and educators perceive that rewarding and praising desirable behavior increases it, many, many controlled studies have shown that it does just the opposite. The issue then of course is to figure out what to do instead, since traditional punishment has been shown to be equally ineffective and rewards and punishments are really about all you hear about conventionally.
If you do want to go the rewards route, this book talked extensively about how and when rewards to work:
Parenting without Punishment by John Maag
The main guys talking about the research on rewards is Alfie Kohn. I read his Unconditional Parenting; he also has a book that might be more directly applicable called Punished by Rewards.
Here are other books that have really helped friends with similar difficulties (alas, still on my reading list, so no reviews.)
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Best of luck and hugs in any case. It's a rough situation to be in.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-24 06:24 pm (UTC)