Spinning on that dizzy edge

(I am so sorry at taking so long to reply to this... everything is moving at such a glacial pace around here!)

I really hear you on what a tough meeting that must have been. I've had people email me to say that they're hesitant to come to play group because of my son being too violent with their children. Not fun at all.

I hope that the book the teachers are talking about is helpful for you. Has it been working so far?

But just to play devil's advocate, I have read a lot of research showing that even though parents and educators perceive that rewarding and praising desirable behavior increases it, many, many controlled studies have shown that it does just the opposite. The issue then of course is to figure out what to do instead, since traditional punishment has been shown to be equally ineffective and rewards and punishments are really about all you hear about conventionally.

If you do want to go the rewards route, this book talked extensively about how and when rewards to work:
Parenting without Punishment by John Maag

The main guys talking about the research on rewards is Alfie Kohn. I read his Unconditional Parenting; he also has a book that might be more directly applicable called Punished by Rewards.

Here are other books that have really helped friends with similar difficulties (alas, still on my reading list, so no reviews.)
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Best of luck and hugs in any case. It's a rough situation to be in.