Pity party of one

[grammarwoman]

UGH, my brain. I have been looking forward to Festivids for so long, but now that it's here, I am awash in ugly, brain-weasellish emotions.

I did a gift vid and a treat, and both of them garnered lovely comments from their recipients. But both vids had other entries in the same fandoms, which so far have garnered higher quality and quantity of comments. I don't even know if mine will wind up with as many comments as my previous Festivids entries have gotten.

I HATE this about myself, the obsessive checking and counting and measuring up against others. I go and rewatch my vids, and I don't think they suck that bad, but they aren't impressing other people, so am I totally deluded? How am I ever going to get better if I can't distinguish what's problematic in the first place?

I keep telling myself that I'm still a beginner, and I have to put in the work in, and I should be making these for myself first anyway and any other positive feedback I get is a bonus...and nope. Instead I'm finding myself sulking and upset, and completely in the wrong frame of mind to watch the bounty of vids.

Goddamn brain weasels.

Comments

[talitha78]

I HATE this about myself, the obsessive checking and counting and measuring up against others.

Awww, don't be so hard on yourself. We all do this. It's natural to want to compare yourself to others. The trick is to not let it paralyze you. You have to try not to let insecurity keep you from doing something you enjoy doing. Two things I can always fall back on: 1.) I always enjoy my own vids, regardless of what anyone else says. 2.) Even if you never hear from them, there is at least one other person out there who *loves* your vid, and if you hadn't made it, they wouldn't have been able to enjoy it. That keeps me going.

[grammarwoman]

This helps a lot, thank you! Both the reassurance that I'm not alone in feeling this way, and the mindfulness of your two points.

I have to hang on the feeling of making the vids, being lost in the flow and looking up to see that hours have gone by, and remember how much I enjoy creating them and watching them when I'm done.

Knowing there's at least one other person out there who is smiling because of my vid is a wonderful viewpoint to keep in mind.

[heresluck]

I know those brain weasels all too well; they are awful. And I know that part of the problem is that the brain weasels come from a non-rational place, and so logic and reason don't affect them much. But I really do believe that if your recipient is happy, that's what matters most. And it's worth keeping in mind that Festivids is so big that most people are selective in their viewing; I suspect that people who are pressed for time tend to gravitate toward vids that already have comments, which creates a snowball effect -- which isn't fair, but there you have it.

Mostly, though, I am sorry about the brain weasels. I still go through this too, every time I see a mediocre vid with 4,000 notes on Tumblr, and I think "Maybe my vids would get more hits if I put them on YouTube! But what if they didn't? Oh god, I couldn't take it." And so on. So -- yeah, I get it.

[grammarwoman]

Heh, relevant icon is too damned relevant.

My brain weasels are so mean that they're trying to sabotage even the comments I got from the recipients. ("'Great song choice' is the vid comment equivalent to 'Have a nice summer!' in your yearbook." is one of the things they're sneering.) I have to believe the giftees liked their vids, taking their actual words at actual face value.

I've picked up a couple more comments in the interim, which were absolutely lovely and made me feel a ton better.

This response has been a lot of help as well - thank you. Brain weasel sufferers unite! :)

[ivorygates]

Thank you for this post. I am glad to know I am not alone. It really helps.

[grammarwoman]

Thank you for responding!

The message I'm getting across the board is that a bunch of people feel this way at some point. It is helping me so much in blasting through the mental block, so I'm glad it's good for you, too.

[ivorygates]

Yeah, srsly. Thanks again.

[frayadjacent]

Yeah, I totally know what you mean. I've definitely had this feeling too. Sorry to hear it, and *hugs*.

[grammarwoman]

It shouldn't be surprising to hear that this is a problem for so many people, but it is, and it helps to hear other people express it, too. Thanks for the support and the *hugs*! :)

[kass]

I so hear you. I think we all do this, even though intellectually we know we shouldn't.

I send love.

[grammarwoman]

Mere logic is no defense against wily weasels. Love and support is always welcome, thank you!