Boundaries WHY SO HARD
Sep. 4th, 2018 04:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grammarwomanI've had a tab open for a couple of weeks now, referred to by a Captain Awkward post about friends up for the same job, which linked to this Twitter post about boundaries:
And I realized all over again how bad I am at boundaries. I mean, as a mom and wife, I kinda feel like half of those statements don't really apply to those relationships? But maybe they do! Basically, the thought of having to agree with and internalize any to all of those freaks me the hell out.
Guess what brought this to mind? You win a genuine No-Prize if any of your first three answers were my mother, one of the people who helped install most of those anxiety buttons. She called last night to ask if I could join them in visiting my brother this weekend, because she thinks he doesn't have much time left. Sure, I said, but I have to check with the family.
So when I stopped to peruse my mental calendar, I realized that I had promised the kid he could have a sleepover this weekend; he's been asking for a month now, and the timing has just not worked out. So that's doable, it just means leaving later on Saturday. But then I realized I had another thing I wanted to do Saturday afternoon, and then. Then my brain locked up. Because in the grand scheme of things, the thing I want to do is fluff and entertainment and escapism, but it's something I've been planning on doing since I first heard about it months ago. I could do a shortened version of the thing, an hour or so, and that would put me at my brother's place around dinner time.
The internal critic that speaks with my mother's voice started screaming at me right about then, about how could I put other things in front of my family when my brother is dying, and what kind of an asshole does that? My husband, bless him, tried to absolve me of the guilt when I laid the situation out in front of him, and said I could and should do the thing anyway, and then get on the road. My brain was having none of it, and wouldn't even let me get to sleep until hours past my regular bedtime.
So here I sit, guts churning and brain locked about a simple fucking phone call where I say, "Sure, Mom, I'll be there, but it will be around dinnertime instead of the afternoon." I have written and trashed a bunch of mental scripts (with many thanks to Captain Awkward and her amazing words), trying to steel myself to sit firm with my decision.
Wish me luck and strength. (And as always, fuck cancer.)
What do boundaries feel like?
- It is not my job to fix others.
- It is okay if others get angry.
- It is okay to say no.
- It is not my job to take responsibility for others.
- I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others.
- It is my job to make me happy.
- Nobody has to agree with me.
- I have a right to my own feelings.
And I realized all over again how bad I am at boundaries. I mean, as a mom and wife, I kinda feel like half of those statements don't really apply to those relationships? But maybe they do! Basically, the thought of having to agree with and internalize any to all of those freaks me the hell out.
Guess what brought this to mind? You win a genuine No-Prize if any of your first three answers were my mother, one of the people who helped install most of those anxiety buttons. She called last night to ask if I could join them in visiting my brother this weekend, because she thinks he doesn't have much time left. Sure, I said, but I have to check with the family.
So when I stopped to peruse my mental calendar, I realized that I had promised the kid he could have a sleepover this weekend; he's been asking for a month now, and the timing has just not worked out. So that's doable, it just means leaving later on Saturday. But then I realized I had another thing I wanted to do Saturday afternoon, and then. Then my brain locked up. Because in the grand scheme of things, the thing I want to do is fluff and entertainment and escapism, but it's something I've been planning on doing since I first heard about it months ago. I could do a shortened version of the thing, an hour or so, and that would put me at my brother's place around dinner time.
The internal critic that speaks with my mother's voice started screaming at me right about then, about how could I put other things in front of my family when my brother is dying, and what kind of an asshole does that? My husband, bless him, tried to absolve me of the guilt when I laid the situation out in front of him, and said I could and should do the thing anyway, and then get on the road. My brain was having none of it, and wouldn't even let me get to sleep until hours past my regular bedtime.
So here I sit, guts churning and brain locked about a simple fucking phone call where I say, "Sure, Mom, I'll be there, but it will be around dinnertime instead of the afternoon." I have written and trashed a bunch of mental scripts (with many thanks to Captain Awkward and her amazing words), trying to steel myself to sit firm with my decision.
Wish me luck and strength. (And as always, fuck cancer.)
(no subject)
Date: 2018-09-04 10:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-09-05 01:08 am (UTC)