grammarwoman | (Reply)

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It looks like other people have said it all already, but FWIW:

A therapist is someone you can dump on with impunity, even during those days/moths/years that you are miserable company and not able to hold up your end of a friendship. How often have you said "X is going through a rough time right now" and meant "Man, remember when X used to actually be fun to spend time with?" and how often have you felt awkward telling a friend about the same depressing problem you already told them about because surely they can't really still want to hear this? Your therapist is paid to keep on listening to the hundredth repetition, and their day is filled with other such appointments, so you never need to think about self-censoring. Therapists also have a lot of training in eventually steering the navel gazing and whining in a productive direction and not letting you shut down all constructive criticism. And, possibly most importantly, when your therapist tells you things you don't want to hear and you're furious at them, you haven't just had a fight with a friend. (Plus, they're never going to attend a dinner party at your house and turn purple because they just remembered that TMI thing you once told them about your sex life. But I'm a pretty TMI person, so the freedom to be a leech-y, wet blanket instead of a reciprocal friend is the part I notice more. There is no friend, no matter how saintly, who really wants to listen as much, as frequently, and as repeatedly as one needs to talk sometimes.)

Last time I was in therapy, I was 13, an age at which no sane person wants to listen to one's self-involved moaning and all of one's friends are equally terrible (assuming one has friends). It was an ideal time for someone who was paid to listen to me.

The actual style they use in sessions is highly variable. The one I went to at 13 had an amused, no-nonsense approach. She rolled her eyes at me a lot and told things flat out like: "It's okay to think things and not always say them. They're still valid even if nobody else hears about them." So, yeah, sometimes they give very specific advice ("Stop telling everyone the entire plot of Star Wars"). Some are more noncommittal and hands-off, but I think the "And how did that make you feel?" type tend to infuriate nerdy, awkward kids who want some kind of definite statement and interpret that other approach as mind games.

There's not necessarily a specific tipping point unless you think therapy is humiliating and only for sick weirdos, which... well... it's not. Even if you don't judge friends with serious issues for being in therapy, there's an insidious tendency to think it's somehow a sign of weakness or not quite the done thing if you're basically a happy, healthy, strong person under normal circumstances ("It's fine for them, but..."), but all types of people find therapy helpful during times of major life stress. Among other things, it's a way of scheduling a little time for yourself, which can be helpful above and beyond the content of the session. I've been twice: once as a little kid when I was forced to go and resented it bitterly and once as a teenager when it was my idea. I can't remember a specific incident that made me realize I wanted to go. Having gone before made the idea come to me more readily, I think. I was depressed and wanted someone to talk to. I went to her weekly for 8th grade and then she told me I didn't need any more therapy and I should give high school a shot without her. "Well, couldn't hurt..." is more than sufficient reason to go looking for a therapist if you feel like it.

You do have to like your therapist and the approach they take. It's no insult to shop around until you find one who works for you. Times a million for a kid, especially since I can attest to the fact that kids don't always understand or believe that the therapist isn't reporting back to their parents. But I definitely recommend childhood therapy if the kid is on board with the idea: kids are even less likely than adults to have the kind of friends who can listen to their problems in a helpful way, and they have much less control of their environment with fewer coping strategies.