Infection of Eeyore
Aug. 10th, 2007 04:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grammarwoman Holy fuck, the brain is a strange beastie. Mine is currently trying to get me fired by distracting me with random crap, even as I’m falling a week behind in my project work. To be fair/defensive about it, some slowdowns have been to idiocies on others’ parts, but a good portion has been me just not giving a shit.
When I dig down, “Self, why am I doing this?”, I get “Because you don’t want to be here. Doing this crap. You want to come home, full of accomplishment of what you’ve gotten done, and not full of loathing and tiredness from ‘Same Shit, different day.’” Seriously, any moment now I’m expecting another “Can you see me in my office?” from one of my bosses, to have my ass chewed out for Inappropriate Internet Use. Which, yeah, I’ve earned, and they probably should fire me, except that pesky not-having-a-paycheck thing would be a serious problem at home.
I need to be actively pursuing another job, except every time I look at the listings, I see all the ways that I am hopelessly behind. I don’t know Java, my HTML skills are barely existent, and my network abilities are even less so. I just want to scrawl “I HAVE A BRAIN AND I CAN LEARN” in big purple crayon and send it off to people, hopefully reeking of sincerity and desperation. Wouldn’t that be great – some kind of pheremonal force that would compel people to give you a chance?
The lack of any visible progress on the body front is also discouraging. I am a poster child for instant gratification; maintenance tasks that don’t have an immediate result frustrate the crap out of me. For me, every time I don’t take a piece of candy or spend an hour on the treadmill should result in a pound of fat going *poof*! Instead, I torture myself in front of the mirror and on the scale, adding my body shape to the list of Ways in Which I Suck.
Another thing that isn’t helping is the nagging sense of Little Sister-itis, like I’m trying to tag along with the Big Kids, slipping in without an invitation, hoping to be noticed, or not noticed if that means I can hang out and not be banished. Lately I feel like everything I say and post is stupid and worthless because people aren’t responding to me.
Wow. Yeah. Fridays are supposed to be a lot more upbeat than this. Sorry. I’m trying to pull together a post about the Emperor, because he’s the biggest bright spot in my life right now.
When I dig down, “Self, why am I doing this?”, I get “Because you don’t want to be here. Doing this crap. You want to come home, full of accomplishment of what you’ve gotten done, and not full of loathing and tiredness from ‘Same Shit, different day.’” Seriously, any moment now I’m expecting another “Can you see me in my office?” from one of my bosses, to have my ass chewed out for Inappropriate Internet Use. Which, yeah, I’ve earned, and they probably should fire me, except that pesky not-having-a-paycheck thing would be a serious problem at home.
I need to be actively pursuing another job, except every time I look at the listings, I see all the ways that I am hopelessly behind. I don’t know Java, my HTML skills are barely existent, and my network abilities are even less so. I just want to scrawl “I HAVE A BRAIN AND I CAN LEARN” in big purple crayon and send it off to people, hopefully reeking of sincerity and desperation. Wouldn’t that be great – some kind of pheremonal force that would compel people to give you a chance?
The lack of any visible progress on the body front is also discouraging. I am a poster child for instant gratification; maintenance tasks that don’t have an immediate result frustrate the crap out of me. For me, every time I don’t take a piece of candy or spend an hour on the treadmill should result in a pound of fat going *poof*! Instead, I torture myself in front of the mirror and on the scale, adding my body shape to the list of Ways in Which I Suck.
Another thing that isn’t helping is the nagging sense of Little Sister-itis, like I’m trying to tag along with the Big Kids, slipping in without an invitation, hoping to be noticed, or not noticed if that means I can hang out and not be banished. Lately I feel like everything I say and post is stupid and worthless because people aren’t responding to me.
Wow. Yeah. Fridays are supposed to be a lot more upbeat than this. Sorry. I’m trying to pull together a post about the Emperor, because he’s the biggest bright spot in my life right now.
