Kim (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
grammarwoman) wrote2009-03-06 03:08 pm
grammarwoman) wrote2009-03-06 03:08 pm
The verdict is in
I am completely useless for work today. The most productive thing I've done is answer questions on a program that uses a procedure of which I am the reigning department champion. (Fortran ODBC calls to SQL Server – whee!) However, I've done a bunch of personal clean-up tasks that each took up ten minutes or less of brainpower. FSA paperwork, emails returned, library accounts cleaned up…anything to look busy.
I am tired, again, some more. I was supposed to be able to sleep in a bit this morning, as the conference at the Emperor's daycare was at 9 AM, a full 45 minutes later than I usually drop him off. However, the Emperor declared that he was "done sleeping" even earlier than usual, so my own snoozefest was more like a series of interrupted five-minute naps. Bleargh.
So the conference…It would have been much easier if I could have just continued to cast his teachers as the bad guys. But no, they have to be all sympathetic and understanding and supportive and nurturing. It was a sit-down with both teachers and the head of the pre-school section of daycare, whose name I didn't even catch. (Strike one against me.) She proceeded to give me the good news/bad news reasons for the meeting.
Essentially, the Emperor is a big-hearted kid, full of affection for his teachers and friends, extra-sharp at academics, chatty as a magpie, and in most ways a well-liked guy. However, he's got very little body control, that, combined with his size and strength, results in bowling over his classmates without even thinking about it (muscles his way to the front of lines, knocks people over when he hugs them, etc.). Plus, he is always touching everyone (hugs, leaning, shirt grabbing) when he should be keeping his hands to himself. (Unfortunately, he gets this straight from me. I am a tactile addict.) He also has attention span problems, where he loses focus easily and gets distracted. Conversely, he always wants to be the center of attention, so he's the loudest in conversations and doesn't take well to being told to wait and be patient.
All these would be tolerable and gently corrected, but the main problem is his aggression. He gets mad really easily, and when he gets mad, he gets physical – punching, kicking, shoving, you name it. I had no idea that they were having regular problems with him. Evidently, it's bad enough that they have to remove him from the class several times a day. Other kids' parents are even concerned, as their kids are namechecking the Emperor, saying that he pushed them or hurt them in some way. Obviously, this is a big issue.
I must admit that I went into the meeting with a chip on my shoulder. I relaxed a bit when they qualified their suggestion to see his doctor with the admission that they weren't just saying to put him on meds, but to see if there were any underlying physical problems, or suggestions the doctor could make. Plus, the lack of activity is not the issue; from what they said, he's just as inclined to be a space-case or hothead when they come in from a long outside activity. It was still hard to sit there and listen to them tell me that my kid is fundamentally flawed.
They talked a lot (like, OMG A LOT) about their education philosophy, The Nurtured Heart approach, which basically states that kids need to have positive behavior constantly and consistently rewarded, while negative behavior gets as minimized a reaction as possible. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? But it's going to take some work on our parts, where we have to remember to praise the good stuff and not get mad at the bad.
I mean, how can I say this without sounding like a total bitch: I get so tired of him needing me so damned hard all the time. I want ten minutes to cook dinner without "Yes, that's a great picture" and "No, don't go into that drawer" and "I SAID, don't go in to that drawer" and "No, you can't have more cheese" and "We don't have time to do Play-Do" and so on. I hope that following this system means I'm going to trade all the time I spend on negative attention, all the STOPs and NOs and DON'Ts, and have only occasional positive attention instead.
So now I'm investigating reward charts and point systems and all the parental work the real world requires, that we probably should have been doing all along. Plus, I'm going to make the damned doctor appointment and hope she can give us useful advice and not just a prescription.
Wish me luck and patience, guys.
I am tired, again, some more. I was supposed to be able to sleep in a bit this morning, as the conference at the Emperor's daycare was at 9 AM, a full 45 minutes later than I usually drop him off. However, the Emperor declared that he was "done sleeping" even earlier than usual, so my own snoozefest was more like a series of interrupted five-minute naps. Bleargh.
So the conference…It would have been much easier if I could have just continued to cast his teachers as the bad guys. But no, they have to be all sympathetic and understanding and supportive and nurturing. It was a sit-down with both teachers and the head of the pre-school section of daycare, whose name I didn't even catch. (Strike one against me.) She proceeded to give me the good news/bad news reasons for the meeting.
Essentially, the Emperor is a big-hearted kid, full of affection for his teachers and friends, extra-sharp at academics, chatty as a magpie, and in most ways a well-liked guy. However, he's got very little body control, that, combined with his size and strength, results in bowling over his classmates without even thinking about it (muscles his way to the front of lines, knocks people over when he hugs them, etc.). Plus, he is always touching everyone (hugs, leaning, shirt grabbing) when he should be keeping his hands to himself. (Unfortunately, he gets this straight from me. I am a tactile addict.) He also has attention span problems, where he loses focus easily and gets distracted. Conversely, he always wants to be the center of attention, so he's the loudest in conversations and doesn't take well to being told to wait and be patient.
All these would be tolerable and gently corrected, but the main problem is his aggression. He gets mad really easily, and when he gets mad, he gets physical – punching, kicking, shoving, you name it. I had no idea that they were having regular problems with him. Evidently, it's bad enough that they have to remove him from the class several times a day. Other kids' parents are even concerned, as their kids are namechecking the Emperor, saying that he pushed them or hurt them in some way. Obviously, this is a big issue.
I must admit that I went into the meeting with a chip on my shoulder. I relaxed a bit when they qualified their suggestion to see his doctor with the admission that they weren't just saying to put him on meds, but to see if there were any underlying physical problems, or suggestions the doctor could make. Plus, the lack of activity is not the issue; from what they said, he's just as inclined to be a space-case or hothead when they come in from a long outside activity. It was still hard to sit there and listen to them tell me that my kid is fundamentally flawed.
They talked a lot (like, OMG A LOT) about their education philosophy, The Nurtured Heart approach, which basically states that kids need to have positive behavior constantly and consistently rewarded, while negative behavior gets as minimized a reaction as possible. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? But it's going to take some work on our parts, where we have to remember to praise the good stuff and not get mad at the bad.
I mean, how can I say this without sounding like a total bitch: I get so tired of him needing me so damned hard all the time. I want ten minutes to cook dinner without "Yes, that's a great picture" and "No, don't go into that drawer" and "I SAID, don't go in to that drawer" and "No, you can't have more cheese" and "We don't have time to do Play-Do" and so on. I hope that following this system means I'm going to trade all the time I spend on negative attention, all the STOPs and NOs and DON'Ts, and have only occasional positive attention instead.
So now I'm investigating reward charts and point systems and all the parental work the real world requires, that we probably should have been doing all along. Plus, I'm going to make the damned doctor appointment and hope she can give us useful advice and not just a prescription.
Wish me luck and patience, guys.
no subject
I really hear you on what a tough meeting that must have been. I've had people email me to say that they're hesitant to come to play group because of my son being too violent with their children. Not fun at all.
I hope that the book the teachers are talking about is helpful for you. Has it been working so far?
But just to play devil's advocate, I have read a lot of research showing that even though parents and educators perceive that rewarding and praising desirable behavior increases it, many, many controlled studies have shown that it does just the opposite. The issue then of course is to figure out what to do instead, since traditional punishment has been shown to be equally ineffective and rewards and punishments are really about all you hear about conventionally.
If you do want to go the rewards route, this book talked extensively about how and when rewards to work:
Parenting without Punishment by John Maag
The main guys talking about the research on rewards is Alfie Kohn. I read his Unconditional Parenting; he also has a book that might be more directly applicable called Punished by Rewards.
Here are other books that have really helped friends with similar difficulties (alas, still on my reading list, so no reviews.)
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Best of luck and hugs in any case. It's a rough situation to be in.
no subject