new year who dis

[grammarwoman]

Brains are dumb and made of meat. Where have I been for (checks last post, grimacing) a year and a half? Nowhere, just not here. Unlike the last time I went for an extended posting break, I haven't even been keeping up with DW. I think I got overwhelmed, or stuck in my own broken headspace, or something.

I used to think I was good at multitasking and could keep up with multiple streams of communication. Now I think I just was selling myself a story of being madly productive, instead of compensating for ADHD type symptoms. (Do I have ADHD? Schmaybe? Or maybe I'm constantly underslept with broken executive function. BRAINS ARE DUMB.)

I've been reading and posting a lot on a message board populated by my high school friends and their spouses and friends, which scratched some itches, but UGH there are so many dudes there who will NOT SHUT UP. I miss fannish chatter. I miss my friends here. I miss all my ladies! But knowing that I was missing out on everyone's posts, and feeling like I couldn't possibly post without catching up on EVERYTHING (BRAINS!), messed with posting my last Festivid (see previous post), and left me feeling all out of sorts and like catching up was beyond my ability, and therefore DW became a task to be avoided at all costs (brains!).

So here I am, feeling apologetic and guilty for not keeping up with you all, but trying to believe that you wouldn't hold it against me for not reading every post.

What have I been up to? (Self, what even have you been doing, ugh.) Well, I turned 50, which is older than my brother was when he died, which led to some tears and such. I can't deny anymore that I'm middle-aged. My kid, the once-named Emperor, turned 18 and graduated high school by the skin of his teeth. He is off to community college in a couple of weeks where he can hopefully start figuring out how to adult and be independent. My spouse is still unemployed. My job is great in some aspects, and craptacular in others. My garden similarly has ups and downs. Everyone keeps getting older without my permission, especially kids that I haven't seen in years and so therefore should still be frozen in that last-remembered slice of time instead of getting taller and such.

I've been reading a lot of fanfic in the past few weeks (sometimes I ship het! Sometimes I ship *GASP* CANON HET! All the Harry/Ginny for me), and I just polished up my Festivids entry. I still go back and read my own fic, and watch my own vids, and read the comments and remember that I love this gift economy, fannish community we have. I keep vowing to go write more, vid more, create more, but then DUMB BRAINS ATTACK and I watch more Youtube shorts and lose time like I've been abducted and memory wiped.

Hi, I missed you. I'm trying to get over myself and get back into this community. Please forgive me if I'm more awkward than usual. It's been a while.

Comments

[kass]

I am so glad to hear your voice again. I miss you!

And holy shit WHAT how is the Emperor 18.

And oh wow yes a lot of feelings at being now older than your brother ever was. What even is time.

I send hugs from afar.

[grammarwoman]

Hi hi hi! Part of the motivation for this post is that this part of August has me feeling all the VVC nostalgia and missing all the wonderful peeps, especially getting to hang out with you.

18. This is not a drill. !!!

Hugs gratefully received and beamed back atcha. <3

Welcome back!

[elderwitty]

It's good to see you again. No worries about not reading all the things - you have to allocate your spoons in a way that works best for you.

Re: Welcome back!

[grammarwoman]

See, I can tell myself that OF COURSE no one would point accusing fingers, but BRAINS. What can you do?

[misbegotten]

I don't care if you read or comment. I just like regular affirmation that you still exist!

Am I collecting new pets because I am also hitting 50 this year? I don't know. I like to think that it is because I am a more patient, informed parent at this point.

[grammarwoman]

Existence I can handle. Posting and comments are SO HARD WHY.

I feel guilty for having all this room and time, and only one dog, but I only have two hands and one is for playing Pokemon Go and the other is for being pulled to the park by a spoiled puppygirl who insists OMG MOM HURRY UP ALL THE GOOD SMELLS WILL BE GONE. So thanks for picking up my slack! ;) Y'know, in addition to being a most excellent pet parent.

[princessofgeeks]

*waves*

What is time I don't even.

[grammarwoman]

Howdy!

I mean, I know the only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once (thanks, Buckaroo Banzai!), but does time need to be so savage?

[princessofgeeks]

I have wondered that many times myself.

[umadoshi]

It's good to see you!

[grammarwoman]

It is good to be seen! Weird, but good! :D

[heresluck]

It's good to see you! And WOW do I ever hear you on how feeling like it's impossible to catch up can make it hard to just wade back into the stream.

[grammarwoman]

If FB didn't suck so very much and poke a bunch of my anxiety buttons, I could possibly feel more up to the task of knowing what's going on with people. Instead I duck in on commando raids, comment on weeks-old posts, and run away.

What's my excuse with DW? BRAINS. We hates them. They hates us. WHY SO DIFFICULT.

*deep breath* Hi! It's lovely to see you too. :D

[the_shoshanna]

Hello! And oh god, brains, why.

I do not understand how time is allowed to pass when I'm not ready to do things with/during/in it. Wait up, dammit!

As you said to kass, I too am feeling VVC nostalgia. I miss being in community with folks -- including you.

Here's hoping for more ups tan downs in garden, job, and life in general!

[grammarwoman]

Greetings! :D

I thought I was supposed to get better time management skills as a part of this adulting and getting older thing, but NOPE. It keeps slipping out of my grasp.

The only good thing about VVC being over is at least it didn't get cancelled due to COVID, because my heart was under enough stress during that time. But wowsers, could I use some of that community right now. I bopped over to check out FanWorks just to see, and looks like they're having a helluva time of it, going all virtual this year.

Ups for all of us, eh?

[synecdochic]

Welcome back! The good thing about DW is we're always here when you want to drop back in :)

[grammarwoman]

Knowing that DW was here, even as I was deep in avoidance, was definitely a lifeline. Thank you for building this wonderful community and continuing to fight for its stability and existence! And for offering permanent accounts way back when so I didn't have to worry about my account withering in the meantime.

[ghost_lingering]

Oh brains! Oh time!

I feel you re: not posting & feeling on the outs with fannish community, while also wishing to be better at it / in it, but not quite getting there. It's comforting to know that fandom will be there when I'm ready/ able to return more fully, but gosh is it also heartbreaking that it won't be the same place as it was when I "left".

[grammarwoman]

Hi hi hi!

Fandom is constant in its changes. The forms of the arguments staying the same with new vocabulary and topics, the evergreen tropes with the new faces, the cycling of comfort media with new shiny offerings...Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be, eh?