Kim (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
grammarwoman) wrote2009-04-16 04:14 pm
grammarwoman) wrote2009-04-16 04:14 pm
Out of phase
I am stuck in a weird head space right now.
There was this Working Women's Expo thing I wanted to go to, but...I just couldn't bring myself to leave early to attend. It goes on until 7 tonight, so it's not like I don't have time, I just...Blah.
I think part of the weirdness is waking up early and not being able to go back to sleep. I'm not so much tired as spacey and unstable.
I'm also seriously confused at my self-sabotage when it comes to getting back to a healthy weight. I mean, GOD, I saw my reflection in an office window today, and that was not my ass, dammit. Who zipped me into a fat suit when I wasn't looking?
I know a part of it is just how much I hate exercising (the depths of loathing are untapped, I tell you), and partly how difficult my exertional asthma makes it. (Really, having my lungs fill with hot phlegm is not pleasant or conducive to my wanting to continue an activity. My lungs are aching right now just thinking about it.) But I think a big portion of it is, what happens when I start and nothing changes?
The lack of immediate gratification plays a role, yes, but there's also that procrastinator's glow of "Well, I could totally lose weight if I tried, I just don't have time/energy/whatever right now" that doesn't want to be confronted with reality. It's so much easier to sit here and dream about getting up an hour early every day to walk on the damn treadmill, than it was (for that month or so last year) to do it and only lose a few grudging pounds.
On top of that, I really need to work on my eating habits and menu. But that gets me all cranky, too, because I can't do hungry (about half the time, I wind up nauseous on top of the hunger) and I don't want to cook two meals to also accommodate the husband and kid, both of them picky eaters.
AGH. I wish I could just throw money at this problem and do a meal plan, but our finances are in as bad shape as I am.
I have umpteen totes of clothes in the basement and more in my closet that are waiting for me to fit back into them. Meanwhile, the supply of outfits that still fit is getting limited, and I'll be damned if I'll spend money to get new ones at this size.
*sigh* This isn't body hatred, really. This is not recognizing the body I've got - it doesn't fit my mental image of what I look like. Plus, I've got the proof of what lies in store for me if things don't change: my mom, on countless medications battling lots of problems. I don't want that to be me.
Gah, enough. I meant to do a post of interesting links, and here I wandered into emo territory. Sorry. Next one will be better.
There was this Working Women's Expo thing I wanted to go to, but...I just couldn't bring myself to leave early to attend. It goes on until 7 tonight, so it's not like I don't have time, I just...Blah.
I think part of the weirdness is waking up early and not being able to go back to sleep. I'm not so much tired as spacey and unstable.
I'm also seriously confused at my self-sabotage when it comes to getting back to a healthy weight. I mean, GOD, I saw my reflection in an office window today, and that was not my ass, dammit. Who zipped me into a fat suit when I wasn't looking?
I know a part of it is just how much I hate exercising (the depths of loathing are untapped, I tell you), and partly how difficult my exertional asthma makes it. (Really, having my lungs fill with hot phlegm is not pleasant or conducive to my wanting to continue an activity. My lungs are aching right now just thinking about it.) But I think a big portion of it is, what happens when I start and nothing changes?
The lack of immediate gratification plays a role, yes, but there's also that procrastinator's glow of "Well, I could totally lose weight if I tried, I just don't have time/energy/whatever right now" that doesn't want to be confronted with reality. It's so much easier to sit here and dream about getting up an hour early every day to walk on the damn treadmill, than it was (for that month or so last year) to do it and only lose a few grudging pounds.
On top of that, I really need to work on my eating habits and menu. But that gets me all cranky, too, because I can't do hungry (about half the time, I wind up nauseous on top of the hunger) and I don't want to cook two meals to also accommodate the husband and kid, both of them picky eaters.
AGH. I wish I could just throw money at this problem and do a meal plan, but our finances are in as bad shape as I am.
I have umpteen totes of clothes in the basement and more in my closet that are waiting for me to fit back into them. Meanwhile, the supply of outfits that still fit is getting limited, and I'll be damned if I'll spend money to get new ones at this size.
*sigh* This isn't body hatred, really. This is not recognizing the body I've got - it doesn't fit my mental image of what I look like. Plus, I've got the proof of what lies in store for me if things don't change: my mom, on countless medications battling lots of problems. I don't want that to be me.
Gah, enough. I meant to do a post of interesting links, and here I wandered into emo territory. Sorry. Next one will be better.