Of course it's a yawning chasm of awful, but you can't control her emotions and you still have to make sure that her emotions don't swamp your entire family - and your son deserves to have a normal childhood and not be overwhelmed by a tidal wave of grandparental grief.
If your mom had shared all the information with you, then maybe you would've made a different decision. Or not. You don't know, because you didn't have the info. She didn't share it, and her withholding information - which maybe was an accident, or maybe was her assuming that you'd just fall into line, either way, it doesn't matter why she did it just that she screwed up - meant you didn't have a full slate of information to plan with.
It's not your fault you didn't have all the information. You can only plan with the data you have and you can't feel guilty for planning based off what you knew.
Okay, "can't," maybe not the case. Shouldn't, anyway. Guilt is hard and complex, as much as grief!
Also, sibling grief doesn't rank below parental grief. There's no "ranking" grief. Grief is grief. It's maybe different for different relationships, but that's okay.
My Aunt K. is still, to this day, dissolving in tears about my dad, that's how close they were (and when we thought dad would die, 18 years ago, Aunt A. threw herself across Dad on the hospital stretcher, literally-not-figuratively), and my mom is stoic and never cries, but she grieves just as much, and my husband had one single sob, but he misses my dad as much as he would a father. My brother pretended he didn't grieve, and-- Well, I have issues with him, but suddenly he wants to be close to family again. But it's all grief and it's all valid, even if it's all felt and expressed differently.
(And I hope the flowers work. Honestly, I love ordering flowers for people for surprise deliveries.)
no subject
If your mom had shared all the information with you, then maybe you would've made a different decision. Or not. You don't know, because you didn't have the info. She didn't share it, and her withholding information - which maybe was an accident, or maybe was her assuming that you'd just fall into line, either way, it doesn't matter why she did it just that she screwed up - meant you didn't have a full slate of information to plan with.
It's not your fault you didn't have all the information. You can only plan with the data you have and you can't feel guilty for planning based off what you knew.
Okay, "can't," maybe not the case. Shouldn't, anyway. Guilt is hard and complex, as much as grief!
Also, sibling grief doesn't rank below parental grief. There's no "ranking" grief. Grief is grief. It's maybe different for different relationships, but that's okay.
My Aunt K. is still, to this day, dissolving in tears about my dad, that's how close they were (and when we thought dad would die, 18 years ago, Aunt A. threw herself across Dad on the hospital stretcher, literally-not-figuratively), and my mom is stoic and never cries, but she grieves just as much, and my husband had one single sob, but he misses my dad as much as he would a father. My brother pretended he didn't grieve, and-- Well, I have issues with him, but suddenly he wants to be close to family again. But it's all grief and it's all valid, even if it's all felt and expressed differently.
(And I hope the flowers work. Honestly, I love ordering flowers for people for surprise deliveries.)